--Merry Christmas..

Christmas came even if I wasn't ready for it. Our schedule was tight, and I would squeeze in between my wee hours to buy gifts and stuffs,instead of me resting in bed. ... Ironically, our Christmas tree was only lighted the night before because we couldn't find where the lights were kept. My youngest daughter thought that any Christmas tree without any blinking lights around it ,isnt giving her the holiday chills..She said "Hindi pa Pasko sa house natin? . I am a little bothered amidst the blissful cheer. My daughter has not been feeling good for a couple of days now..The meds her pedia gave is was making her puke and and rarely eats solid food. She was given steriods to alleviate her breathing problems, and the word "steroid" gives me a bad stigma. I brought her back to the clinic and was advised to go on nebulizer. Oh no...she is likely to develop asthma.

We wrapped the gift, traditionally prior to the Christmas eve. We thought of giving something useful ..and no more "crappy-cheap-toys". The kids were happy of the presents. The older kids, had another phone, Xy got her most coveted Blender, and Xeon, had plenty of toys. Sadly,her toys didn't cheer her up. She wasnt really really feeling any better.She could barely breath.The nebulization episodes are normally done with force or threaten her,or otherwise,she wouldn't suck the smoke. Our noche buena was the usual one, though we had cheesy spaghetti this time. We weren't able to prepare gifts for each other. I realized we have been together constantly and rarely gets that privacy of sneaking time to grab a little package.And it's no big deal.I guess it's all about kids this time. I can buy all stuffs that I need on a regular day anyway..and I feel like not wanting anything for myself at all. My addictions to accesories, collections of clothings, to the point that it wouldn't fit my closet anymore, bags,and all girl stuff..I know I can have it some other time.

In the morning we went to church, then straight to Timezone. We rented a small karaoke booth, and sang on top of our lungs, while Xeon gets the moment of her time with her Dad to play, something we never have done ever before.

Overall, our Christmas was fun. I wish to travel with our kids next time.

----Xeon's 4th Birthday!

She has grown so fast and I almost didnt noticed it. In her busiest day, while watching The Higgly town heros, As she sings with Pooh friends theme song, the animal mechanical, are just a few activites that occupies her day.

---Family Day

----happy t day!

---My Sister's Wedding

For me marriage is a stage of life no one can ever be prepared of. Emotional maturity, financial stability, physical and mental capacity are just a few tangible considerations. Marriage is a journey into developing two individuals who were initially infatuated and learned to live each day depedently with each other. The journey in itself is a preparation of both individuals to live in a world of uncertainties and upheavals. I have seen marriages collapse easily when the other is unable to withstand going along with unlikely things, or because of unfaithfulness while I've witnessed others hold the marital feud in abeyance in the hope that after eons of martyrdom, an awakening shall come to pass. But today I realized that friendship is one of the strongest foundation there is to keep a relationship, like I've witnessed to my younger sister marrying today, to her boyfriend for eleven years.

This was planned only in a matter of two months. My parents, being on the conservative side, wanted my sister to have a simple church wedding.They have adamantly stated that it always brings good fortune to the newly weds if they are blessed by God through a wedding and not a power of a judge. We helped her even financially to come up at least with something decent and simple.

I was a little disappointed that I wasn't able to start the ceremony because my hubby and I had to run an errand. We purchased a new sofa and we kinda lost track of time. The church was perfect. It was one of the oldest church in the Philippines, comfortable and fully air conditioned. My relatives and sister's closest friends were in attendance that made the ceremony more solemn because they are surrounded by people really close to them. At the reception, I hosted the program along with my high school teacher who happened to be my new brother in-laws' aunt. We had fun. My siblings, parents of both families had a few minutes of best wishes speeches , and there were point we become emotional.. but it's just natural. We are able to express our heartfelt congratulations while reminiscing the old days we spent with them while they were still single. I was so happy to see her finally settle down to the person she really loves and grateful of us being beside her all the way.

Here are some of the pictures:




Me and Hubby, Xy and Xeon






fr left: marj,guiamela,wacks,cess,venus,{me},&the newly weds apple and jeemer






Guiamela, nieces Sam,Alex,Xy and Xeon






at Santo Thomas Church

--Old Friends, Real Friends.

Friends are treasure they say and most of the real ones stay regardless of distance and time. At work, I have gained many acquaintances,or from random places and events, but none could ever replace the way you are treated by you old friends, especially those hailed from where you grow up, such as high school and elementary classmates. They have become considerably friends already to me. When FB came to surface and helped mitigate the cost on communication or at least connect back to people you never know where they are, my classmates decided to set up a mini-reunion for those who are based in Manila. While the rest of the '93 tertiary population have dominantly stayed at the province, it was more difficult to keep in touch and meet more often. I have not gone home since 2005 and whenever they meet there, I am not able to attend. At first I was really excited; in fact I plotted my vacation leave to give way to this event, and was dismayed that some couldn't come.



SO we met. Some of those who positively agreed that they were coming didn’t show up. I was sort of disgusted to their level of maturity in terms of keeping up to schedules, although this doesn't make them a bad person. They maybe a little tied up probably, or at least. We were eight all in all. The dinner at Gerry's Grill was sumptuous and we ate while we were reminiscing the high school fun. Ley was the most notorious amongst us, but not the whole batch. He was fun and not harmful. Just plain silly. I was able to catch up with a lot of things going on at the province. From the deceased classmates and one of our good English teacher who passed away too, .down to those who are still living (of course) and how they are able to survive the life at home. Simple and laid back. Some of them have started families already with five or so kids, which is unimaginable to have at this kind of economical status. It's their choice though. It's just that I feel having 6 kids may not be ideal now. I was thinking, how could I ever give them equal attention, good education and decent living without having to work my ass hard. After the dinner, we stopped by at Starbucks, to continue catching up. We had pictures taken to be posted on FB sometime after. Mano, our high school valedictorian is now married to her long time boy friend, who happened to be my college schoolmate, is working in Singapore. They are still trying to work out having a baby. Same thing with Lala and Roden, who has been married for one year now. They are not high school sweethearts but their relationship developed also in one of our reunion back in '05. Roden is a seaman, who works out of the country every 7 months, while Lala, is working at one of the biggest chain of restaurants. Jasmine is in an advertising company, Maximille, a CPA, who now manages 5 big companies in Makati. Lolita, a homemaker of two kids, with same ages as mine, and is married to a seaman too.

As a personal choice, I don't like the idea of having a husband who works overseas who comes home and spend time only with me and my kids for less than two months and leave again. It isn't ideal for me. Marriage is supposed to be a journey of two people who are initially bonded with love and build a family by guiding their little kids at home. Although this is a matter of choice, I'm just thinking how they go through their lives growing and fighting survival alone. Aren't they supposed to be together through thick and thin? Anyway, the night recessed past midnight after sipping latte's and frappucino,with banoffi pie on the sides. I skipped counting calories for a while. We've gone through a lot of things, many became succesful on their own field but nothing changed the fun and laughter’s we both shared in the past.Whatever we have reached is beyond the discussion regardless if some have settled their own lives the simplest way possible. What matters is that we haven't changed the ideals and the way we were mold as an individual while in adolescent stage. And so we're planning another meeting in a distant future, Im excited.

Below are the faces.=)



{Me}, Mano, Maximille, Jasmin, Lolit, Lala, Roden and Ley (taking picture)



From left: Mano,{me}. Lolit



Laugh like there's no tomorrow.



when the night is through..

---The art of letting go

If there's one thing that keeps me from saving my teary eyes, is when I need to give up on something. I admit that it's not such good quality to harbor, especially when what I'm giving up will mean a change. People come and go, and so as friends which is a lot easier to handle rather than what is intangible. Just because memories and pain is all that's left, the letting go part becomes tough. The timing is sporadic, but mostly the confrontation is emotional.

At work I have found friends. They have become my constant companion during idle time within my 8 hours shift. I got used to being around them during lunch breaks, coffee time, business reviews, calibrations, conference calls, etc. The other day, we were doomed by shocking news that we're shedding off 34 fte's including and a few managers, ranked according to their year-to-date performance. I don't really blame the authorities for making such decisions especially if it will benefit the many. Anyway, it was sort of old "news" already because we were warned months ago and we never really thought of its forthcoming. The now, is just surprising. The "choosing” came definitely with strict scrutiny and strategic reason as to how we need to rank them. Modesty aside, I have faith that my spot is at least not anywhere on the 4th quartile nor the third but it doesn’t give me reason to be complacent anyway. I got this confirmed when the list wast shown to me in my recent business review, 9th spot out of 30 teams.Not bad, I mused.One amongst the team member sadly came from my team. I don't have any other choice but to give him another opportunity elsewhere rather than wait for his consequence month over month until he is permanently dismissed. He may not constantly pass in scorecard, but as a team member, he has been very pleasant to his peers and obliging at all times. Part of me felt that I could have defended him and choose others instead, but that is being selfish. I know that he has always wanted to be transferred in one of our sites close to where live so that the proximity is not going to be an issue. The other person on my vertical is also leaving to venture her luck on other programs. Like me, I know my manager has made that tough decision to let her go, rather than be penalized month over month. The team she's handling may not be able to redeem her metrics monthly, so she needs to make that tough choice. When she found it, her tears were rushing down her cheeks as she returned to her station. She felt bad, which is understandable.

Like always, the early part is the toughest of all. We tend to justify the pain with the things we felt we did, the unfairness of the world starts to cloud our comprehension of the fact, but the truth of all is that, our ego is the first one to get hurt. The second part is thinking that you are leaving friends who have become your best buddies every day. But in a matter of days and week, it flips a switch to normal mode.

No matter how much we try, things just happen randomly. Unfortunately, the sad part is, we can never prepare ourselves of the unforeseen series of events. It's the only process we go through wherein preparations come along the way.

This is life. It’s random.

--Privacy is Cheap

Working has never been easy. Unless we are born with silver spoon and authentic china sets, getting a job is only an option. But for those belonging in the 80% of the population, on blue collar jobs, there’s just a single choice. Working is something we do in default. Regardless if it's sedentary or mobile in nature, it's still blue collar..Some are just being paid higher than the rest. What makes it odd is the fact that it's not just even enough no matter how much you try to financially balance the equation. One way or another, we have to make ends meet.

Ten years ago when one can of sardines was around $.15 or roughly PhP7, I didn’t know how to complain too much about a lot of things. Now than I can take myself a cab for work or got to eat on dim light fine dine restaurant, nothing is simple anymore. Every item in the whole universe is pricy, even if the way of life has a cheaper access to other contacts of the world. I have always been openly expressing my propensity to cling on to primitive traditions, no matter how much I am am exposed to various regional festive. These days, it's slowly slipping through instantly. Social Networking site mushroomed almost everyday to the point where that someone in the street is already a part of your Facebook or Friendster or whatever you're into. It becomes a portal to knowing your day to day activities, pictures and the likes.
Our privacy is just one click away, and the word is "CONFIRM".

---Good Karma Bad Karma

They say that when you do something good, it's going to come back ten folds, but I think that theory is a fallacy. People have their natural tendencies to do good or bad, usually what comes first is the most dominant of all. According to the Vedas belief, if one sows goodness, one will reap goodness; if one sows evil, one will reap evil. How can this be true? How is unconditional love not gaining love in return?

While we were at the cafeteria the other day, one of the agent was narrating her hold-up experiences the third time around. Her bag was taken including her cell phone, money, and some personal belongings. I told her be extra cautious next time, and avoid bringing important items, especially money. When I was taking the company's shuttle, or back in the days where I still couldn't afford a daily taxi ride, I would take public buses and jeepneys at the wee hours of the night. Most of the time, I keep my paper bills on my pants smallest side pocket, my cell phone is tucked in my jackets pocket on a silent mode or sometimes turn it off, and carry the jacket by my hands. My bag is just a decoy. I would look around; pray to good God and walk the fastest that I can. I lost my cell phone thrice already, the ever first phone we bought, the famous Nokia 3310, was stolen at a flea market at down town Manila, the second fell off my pocket and the last one was stolen at the company premise by a friendly bastard. My sister lost her phone right on the day of her birthday, ironically. Of many times she found cell phone and return it was sort of tantamount to the times she also lost her phone. SO where does the theory fall?

Earlier, GK and I had a luncheon date. While he was smoking, I was on queue at an ATM stand. As I entered, the machine said “Would like another transaction?" , I pressed NO, and the card of the previous banker ejected from the machine. We left the card at the security guard and walked away. While walking, he was whispering why I hadn’t pressed the "YES" button at the ATM machine for a possibility of checking if there was still money in it coz they wouldn't know anyway. Part of me felt that excitement of having to take something I just found. It’s not categorized on the stealing part since I found it in the first place. So I mused probably something good may come back.

While the thought of it was still lingering of the missed "opportunity”, got off the train, I hailed a cab, since the rain was starting to pour. When I told the taxi driver to turn to street where I live and found out that it's a dead end, he suddenly refused and gave the flimsiest excuse I ever heard. “That the cable of the taxi meter would break if the car would move backwards?" I think that was the most "stupidest" thing I've heard. Just as soon as I didn’t do something bad earlier...this is what I got? Good karma is equals to bad karma. I said, I should just have taken a look on that ATM card and bought a shoe at least to give justice.

Myth : busted.

--Headline: You're fired!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news or at least no one ever wanted to do that. But today I have no choice.

Over the course of my career, I have terminated people because of a company violation such as attendance, call avoidance. Truthfully, it doesn't give you a sense of addiction knowing another person is going to lose their job. Probably, the feeling of consolation because I have made them realize what they did was out of normal and hopefully teaches them a lesson. They just get it the hard way. I hardly ever stop a person's chance to land a job, so long as they really show genuine intention to acknowledge coaching and reinforce it without hesitation. Believe me. I have seen managers who penalize agents over peccadilloes and are power trippers. Witnessing those, I became cognizant of how to use my authority rightfully.

She is one amongst the oldest in the team, although she just joined two months ago. Unlike others who just came to my team, she is restrained and silent most of the time, but when the second day passed, she already started borrowing money, from me and some of her peers. She would pop through email or SMS messages narrating her unfavorable plight being penniless and all. Whenever I would coach her, I feel like talking to a big wall in front of me. She would stare at me listlessly as if I never existed. As time goes, her attendance deteriorated as well as her performance. And before I can discuss her non-regularization in time, she had conjunctivitis. After her 5-days of unlikely absence, I discussed her discontinuance to the company solely due to her substandard performance and poor attendance. I have a hunch she already knew the reason of why I need to talk to her suddenly, before she even could log in.
I was extra wary of how I need to positively position her areas of opportunities without sounding harsh. But she has only a single choice but learn to accept this is not a job tailored for her. With her skills, she's better off as Librarian or Cashier at a registrar office. I think so.

I dont feel good saying the bad news, however I don’t regret what I did because I know it's a good business decision to screen agents with careful judgment and right reasons. It's a long term profit.

--Redefining unconditional love

Several eons ago, say months and years, while things were much younger and newer to me, the definition of some reality is superficial. Let’s take experience and age be the basis without me assuaging my naivety. I guess wisdom really comes with age. The "love' industry was something I dared try up until marriage. Today, I realized that I still rarely know what that is. Growing up in an environment where we are obligated to understand the meaning of survival and importance of being able to stand on our two feet. And loving was a mere default of consanguinity rather than getting to imbibe realistically how it is manifested. I knew that if I obey my parents and if we were sent to good schools is a two street already of knowing we are important, but I didn't know that accepting who I am, and teaching me to be someone decent and preserving self worth is a far contradiction of haltering independence rather than caged in a cocoon. I was unaware that they do love me regardless of the condition and without judging me for who I am.
My knowledge of it was only limited. Until I get to increase my acquaintances, enjoy the company of friends and relatives, the value of its meaning grows periodically. As a person, I am conventional believer of sweet poetries, posies, holding hands and billex doux written while high in love. From sweet nothings sends shiver to my bone, superficial jealousies, to the littlest gesture of i-love-you's or random trips to anywhere even penniless to some extent. But this things last, sadly. As time passes, it also grows thin to all people. Like the ever constant change, it goes away with it. People get tired so easily to the point that during trivial confrontations or a gigantic marital -do not disturb!- sign, or friendship ruined by malice and a relationship smeared by the big word Trust, some of the good things are buried to oblivion. The insensitivity just surfaces uncontrollably even if you were already making an abrupt move to catch one's attention.

Now I ask, what really is unconditional love? Is it loving the right way or the other way around? Last month, while I was on my way to a luncheon date, I took the bus. While my eyes was stuck at the television,. My head turned left and saw an old man sitting across my seat. Their hands were clasp tightly as his wife shows a brown envelop, discussing something, and his eyes were all over her and placed his head on her shoulder.. I didn’t hear what they were talking about, but all that was evident is the realization slapping right in my face and a tinge of jealousy went rushing inside me. I suddenly turned my gazed away when I felt he was going to catch me watching them. I felt sad somehow because I envy the steadfastness of their relationship even if they have gray hair and false teeth on. The sight of this old couple reminds of good things that were passed over us. Marriages spread out on long pieces of paper, or lavish wedding presentations, rather than focusing on the bond that knots two individual becomes a way of life already. We disintegrated the essence of what keeps people motivated into fragments because we are too caught up trying to alleviate the tons of juvenile transgressions into a responsibility equating money and food. Or just because we already can stand in both feet, we forget that we once needed someone in the struggle. I guess unconditional love is showing which paths to take rather that watch them stumble in wrong acts because you do not want them to suffer the worst. It is having a unity of goals and the understanding of meeting halfway, rather than going on our own directions. Someone who doesn’t get offended when you countlessly tell them they have left over food on their faces, or that they stink or whatever.
Maybe it isn’t really. I don’t know. Proving theories like this will take lifetime of experiences, upheavals and downfall. But what if this kind just goes tired easily? I wondered... Why did we go tired easily?

---Trick or Treat!

--Sing your heart out

After several attempt to plot the team's videoke night, we've finally decided to a schedule. I didnt expect a 100% attendance, although it would make me happy to be with them regardless of their level of performance. I am enjoying working with them and time spent outside of work issues has been satisfying anyhow. My excruciatingly painful head and clogged nose was not enough reason to suspend the occasion nor the downpour ealier brought by a passing typhoon. As usual, procrastination was all over..from the 9 o'clock time, the party started at 1030.of course, that's a very culutral habit. I downed an extra strength pain reliever to alleviate my head bumps temporarily .

On a Thursday night, we were expecting more vacancies on the videoke bars, but to our surprise, at 1030, we would still be on the waiting list.Time is essential so option B: let's find another bar. We spotted another bar called Music Match,and from my recollection was the place of the first team building I have been to when I was a rep for at least 5 years back. I remembered the place was comfy and fun. Price werent too steep..so let's sing our heart out. Since I'm not a big fan of booze and smoke, and my mere presence was because I had to, the idea of singing sort of gave me a hint to enjoy. I passed some songs and sang them to the best note, which is my forte, modesty aside. I felt young again. TO be surrounded with people who's view in life may be far immature from my perspective, brush a feeling of teenage-bop sort of. They would tease me on the choice of songs queued on the machine, but the truth is, they still can sing along...which give me a safety that at least it wasnt too far from the generation that they are now.I am not that pristine.. The sad thought is, these songs just mad me cry inside.

AT 330am, they decided to eat beef brisket noodles in a obscure bar nearby my house to take off some alcohol in their system. While were busy sipping the soup, a young guy approached me and asked for my number-- which is a man sitting accross the table. I felt surprised more being it as compliment because, it gave me an impression of -Do I look like a social hammer, eating after my clubs' shift?c'mmon. Of course I lied. -I have no phone!-period...another way to say, NO. On the other side, well at least at one point I can still be noticeable at my age.*wink.

Wend home, with the smell of smoke all over my hair and dress. Put off my make-up, brushed my teeth, took my pj's and hit the sack..-Tsk My head still hurt.

-----Me and My Best Friend

When you're down and so lost,the only person you can turn to are the people who have seen the worst in you..your best friend.

TELUS Town Hall goes Ivy League

101010

----GK @ thirty seven

--Richie reached.

Part of being a Team Manager, is also profiling agents and identify each coaching styles applicable for each of them, and most of the time age matters. It's not that this is my first time to handle an agent ten years older than me. In the past,I did, and frankly, it was tough. Besides their diminished absorption rate, they tend to overlook the authority coming from a younger person. They have their silly idiosyncrasies common to people ranging between 39-40ish. I got these two new hires one in the late thirties and the other in the early fourties. The moment I saw them, I felt a rock hit me real hard til I knocked down. The younger one just left a resignation letter at my desk while I was on a one day CTO. Effective immediate resignation?--I think it's not ever applicable anywhere unless it's really worst.-so good riddance, eh? Then the older one was causing me terrible headache. She's developed plenty of reasons to skip work. One: She came to work asthmatic (though it didn't looked like it)-Two : Half -day due to a pain on her nape and third: dysmenorrhea??? @ 44? Shit! REally..It was really unbelievable. IT's one sickness most women use to skip work or get rid of household chores. She brought a medical certificate all of a sudden stating an asthma attack and not pain from dysmenorrhea. So my profiling of agents at her stage were right.
So, the other day, I coached her on when to use emails appropriately,,unfortunately the one I caught was something I cannot ignore. For the sake of security purposes, I wont say it too much....I got her due process form, stating what happened. --This was Thursday. COme Monday shift, I found a piece of red rose, a greeting card and a custard cake. I thought that I had a secret admirer somewhere,,,but she gave it. It was the most weirdest thing that I ever went through...

--Being a proud Mom

I hate PTA meetings. This is an avenue where most parents get to talk about their kids, status quo in life or sometimes it's a runway to boast around material things. , and so I hate that. Today, I got to attend the first HSPP Day of my daughter at school sans her father who was at work. It was a new event for me and I was partly excited since Xy landed the first spot in her class (finally!) even with lesser attention coming from me in terms of reviewing lessons and stuffs. When she said it to me the day I called her to pick her report card, she was surprised too. Then I realized that my daughter has innate intelligence although I told her not to be extremely complacent. I thought, would I have been the same if I had given this kind of privelege then? , probably I would have. Mothers at this age are more oriented on the competencies of a child at school unlike how it was 27 years ago.

The crowd was totally different compared to the previous school were she were.One good reason why I have to choose pay more to have better education, good learning environment and an uncompromised quality of education. She was among the prettiest in her class, modesty aside. Most of her classmates were "healthy" and plain jane. One parent started the conversation and she was around my age. She congratulated me surprisingly since we haven't exchanged names yet, so I realized she knew I was Xy's mom. The entire event was filled with activities where both parents and kids are involved.I almost got teary eyed when she handed over a small epistle they did for us.Touchy.. Food was served at the end.

I am a proud mom to daughter like her. Someone who can manage under minimum supervision.
I love her so much.

--September rushing in.

--Team Falcons goes to Laluz

We are back in Laluz for the second time..

--Family's greatest victory

My youngest sister is officially a registered nurse. She passed the nursing board exam she took last July and results came out last Friday.It was one of the greatest fulfillment I'm sure my parents have felt of course besides our college diplomas. He wasn't here to celebrate with us. All of my siblings except the eldest plus my mom and the nieces and and nephews were there. We savored the moment over simple meal. I completed the rest of the menu, we had barbecue, shrimp and crabs, pasta, buttered corn and peas, roasted fish,the local lumpiang sariwa, chocolate cake and double dutch ice cream .I forgot my diet for awhile. I felt that it's a one day violation of my calorie count and enjoy what's served on the table.

--My biggest scare

I jumped off the bed from slumber. They were in commotion, my husband was trembling and our maid was shocked. I ran downstairs and saw my daughter,Xy, shaking,her eyes were rolling upwards, her body was stiffly shaking and her face was growing bluish. My senses stopped quickly in shock but I realized that I need to be on my toes to rush her to the hospital. Her father was holding her, trying to wake her up, while I rushed to put on jeans, got the money and celphone then on the car. We were constantly shouting for her name,my thumb was inserted on her mouth and I try to withstood the pain of her grinding teeth on my nails. Finally she came back. At the ER , she lay on the green cot and we keep asking her of what she was feeling etc...all we got was a blank listless stare.Ironically, she isn't sick, nor had colds or has fever or whatever and the doctor said that it is unusual to get convulsive at the age of 9. I felt threatened on what she said and started to think worse.As the ER staff were asking me, my mind was haphazardly entertaining stupid thoughts and my fear and guilt is starting to arise.The doctor was trying to touch her legs and toes and I got more and more afraid that she wasn't feeling the pinches or even while the doctor was running the tip of the key on her toes.We continued to ask and ask her until after a few minutes, she ouched.

The flashback of her convulsion episode when she was younger came off to me, while I recall rushing her to the hospital so little.My aunts were there, my sister dropped by to check on us. She was taken with a few cc of blood to check her sugar, potassium and salt if it's under normal amount. I was beginning to be more stronger as I see her, already talking and telling us she wanted to go home.,,at that point I know she was already ok. I hate hospital scenes definitely. We tripped a little bit to see a lot of people admitted at the ER and most are children with high fever and some elderly who may probably be suffering from old age sickness or complications of high blood or diabetes which is a common amongst the seniors. My husband even pointed an old woman already with yellow skin, and in her eyes, I am seeing her leaving. We went back to Xy's cot while we are waiting for her pediatrician's call. Now after a few more minutes I spoke to her pedia,and advised that we can go home and visit a neurologist tomorrow.

Xy is one of the most manageable kid I ever saw. She complains on few things and never seek attention at all times. The other day she asked me to fetch her from school and told me she want to skip her school bus and take me instead. I told her that I get out late. Earlier,she also has a small participation in her class and I missed on watching her show. My thoughts were still trying to recollect of why she had that 5-minute convulsion knowing she is well. I was thinking that earlier, it could have been triggered by the incident were she almost got hit by the tricycle when were crossing the street from my sister's house. It may have brought severe shock inside her, and knowing she doesnt complain, might have triggered cos she keeps what she feels most of the time.

As a mother, this type of incident shakes me off literally and frightened at the same time.Even if you want to show your vulnerability to show you feel pain, when you are faced with situations like this,your only choice is to be strong for your daughter and feign all your strength. You start analyzing yourself inwardly and ask if ever you were being a good mother to your child. I know that I am not really perfect in that job..but I can be better. I love my kids so much.

--Catching up.

It's been a long while since me and my sisters and nieces, sat up together and catch up.Now that we are being joined with new members of the family, I am excited too, a new baby and another brother in-law.
My neices and nephews were around while celebrate Waks' birthday.

---by the skin of teeth

The word "manager" is utterly deployed with so much responsibility, empowerment, tough decisions and respect. It sounds powerful but really sometimes I hate it. To a certain degree, it deprives you of becoming straight-forward or otherwise deemed tactless.

This morning was one of those moment I hope I had no options to hold back---and be NICE. One of my rep approached me hastily to seek permission for an undertime. Why?--
"My father is leaving for abroad and forgot his passport.!" ---I said what? -at the back of my mind "STUPID"...I think so.It's so unbelievable. The whole point was that he was so arrogant and so impolite. I was so close to swearing..but I had to contain my self..too bad.

---Let's talk about family.

One of the hardest feeling ever is when you are unable to express what you feel to feign confidence. Me and my older sister talked a little longer than usual and when that happens it must be something else. My throat were uncontrollably shaking, and worst, Im holding it back. I was feeling something hot rising from my waist up to my nape...and my eyes were all crimson red. I couldn't stop them from noticing it,(--I was at work then.)

I grew up in an environment were I was not used to being sentimentally foolish at a certain degree. We dont say I-love-you's so much with my siblings or even to my parents. Hugging or cuddling each other. We are more of showing it by implied acts loving. It mold me how to be stronger, to be logical, to be unemotional, therefore, I was able to handle difficult things by myself. Now that we are older, we get to say things already without hesitation,,the funny part is, I become mushy and cry spontaneously when little words from my sisters gets into my phone or either by calls. ..So now , I am becoming that person.

Our younger sister is getting married.I felt a tinge of melancholy knowing that she isn't gonna be that old little sister we used to have. I am happy that she is marrying her long time boyfriend and was able to hang on until they completed school and landed a good job. She is more of like me, but she is more reserved. We used to fight when she borrows my things, bags, dress, accesories and I get irked because she wouldn't return it as she promises. I would storm their apartment, rummage through their cabinet and find it myself until I decided to lock up my closet and ask earnestly for my permission when she needs to borrow. We like same things, style or either color..and this is what is probably common amongst the seven of us. I think she is the prettiest in the family, She has a very naive face, cute dimples, thick curly eyelashes, nice nose, and her hair is long and the curls were good..although she despises the style, but I like it on her.

--Birthday and a lost phone

---A new workplace.

For so many years, our set up has always been stationary.Not that I am not amenable with, infact I would so much miss any alterations. He does a lot of things for me,,,and that is surely something to look forward everyday. We had to weigh other consequences for him to take an outside offer.

It felt so different to adjust on what you are used to...but I can keep tab.
slowly.

---Playing Neytirish "AVATAR"

It's been a while since my team has joined theme day. We were luckily enjoying our rest day during Fridays where most theme days are held. A time to expect the team work and fun while creating a task not specifically measured at work. And for me, as their team manager, I have to carry out orders compassionately to be able to make someone move. The movie AVATAR came to mind right away. It was a great flick so I thought it would've been exciting. Initially, I am the one responsible for financing the materials. It was difficult to think of how we can come up with the most realistic or any make-up close to the one seen on the movie. I made several research for any make-up tutorial and pictures to make it like it was. Face paint and dyes were not really giving me an ideal Neytiri color. All along the rage of me finding which material to use,Honey was with me all thorugh out.
Material used:
(Face)
*Ever Bilena Danube Eyeshadow
*Fashion 21 Single Eyeshadow (Dark Gray)
* Nichido Dark Blue Eyeshadow
*CG 315 Bronzer
*Loreal Telescopic Mascara
*Multifunctional Eyeshadow
(Body)
* Blue Liquid Food Color (tube)( Dissolved in Lukewarm water.

We were able to come up with something really really close to the Neytiri color. The problem was we were putting make up in haste so it didnt appeared even.I would come close to each of them and dab on as much blue color all over skin that's exposed, while they were taking in calls. And we won! IT was fun...

---My Collection MNG Accesories

Summer is officially over and another season is coming..I can see the red "sale" sign almost all over the mall claiming up to 70% discount...and of course you know it's a bait. Out of the so-many items hanging on the stand, only 10% of them are really discounted up to 70%. Since I am a fan of accesories to add some fab..I thought of showcasing some of my MANGO accessories. I love their styles besides the fact that they sell in few quantities..

---An essay for her.

it's past 3am. i was shaken as i see the wooden in floor crimson red.my eyes, stopped at her throwing up blood continuously, and I felt fear right away.at the age of five, i may still be nonchalant but I cried right after the sight of it. It was my mother,... and the last time I ever saw her alive. My younger sister,which was only two years old then, bawled out loud screaming "Mama!" as they carried her hurriedly to the hospital. We frequent the ICU room when she was confined hoping she would wake up on our next visit, but she succumbed to death.I ended up asking God Why her?...that question was never answered.I could recount the time we went through the grief, my father at 25 got widowed and us 5 & 2, left with no mother around. It was terribly difficult and the only time I realized that was when I was growing up. Although, my grandmother stood up more than a mother for us, my mom's presence would have been far different. I grew up and encountered so many things a teenager goes through, of which some are undeniably causing headache to my father,and during those milestones and obstacles,I wished she could have been around to witness it. However, I am lucky enough that although her presence is already left in my memory, I am surrounded with people who wishes nothing but good intentions for me.

Im now seventeen and that question I asked when I was five years old, find its answer slowly as I become mature. Regardless if the answer was to my liking, all I want to think of was the good memories she's shared with me. I remember those times....

I cannot imagine now,if all of these good memories sheltering my mind, remains an untangible memory? Writing pave its way to make untangible things be felt and be understood somehow to a certain degree. It depicts greater meaning to what we see, feel, hear, think and hear. Now I wonder why shouldn't I write afterall.

---@ Thirty Four

I couldnt recall just how many times something odd happens during my birthday, and this time it's going to be different again.

My FB says I had 91 notifications,whew! that's a lot of greetings. It felt good. The overwhelming joy is there, even this was merely a simple greetings from acquaintances, former team mate, colleague, relatives, friends and of course my superiors. I say a million thanks. My hubby gave me my favorite chocolate and a greeting card. When it comes to celebrations, I'm not the material type....I consider the emotional value bestowed across each greeting,,,,and a birthday card is special to me. His mom prepared some food and in the afternoon, the whole family had pizza and cake together. After that, we went to the cinema houses supposedly to find a good flick to watch..but DVDrip downloads spoil my interest to spend money on big screen..when I can just download it anytime and watch to my own desire. At the mall, the word SALE boomed right into me when one of my favorite clothing line --MNG is having their annual clearance sale. I got my self an addition to my vest collection and a red-orange coral necklace I had been eyeing long time ago.

---Back to school errands

My daughter has been waiting for school to commence. She just transferred to another school where his father attended his elementary. Xy was anxious meeting new classmates, new environment and bigger school I supposed. I am happier too, coz this is the type of school I want to send her to. Since I am on a 5 days leave, I do most of the school errands...covering books, notebooks, naming this and that..etc. and I'm not complaining. I can only whine about her sporadic tantrum attacks and most of them are really bearable.

...tbc

---Marriage trifles 101

My phone beeped while I was sipping the strawberry iced bubba and everytime I get an sms, I'm a bit anxious,my fear of absences notifications from my reps are always there. I feel like peeping the name on the screen all the time. It's midafternoon, and I'm sure they have hit the sack by this time, so yes it wasnt from any of my team. I couldn't help mentioning the 6% absenteeism rate caused by an attriting agent.,anyway lets start.

This was yesterday.

As I opened my inbox, I already have a guess of what the sender has to say. She, being one whom I have handled in the team for the longest time recounts her commiserate life. On her message,it tells of how much she couldn't handle their break up. He found another woman, to replace her after him realizing that she was not all worth it. This feeling kinda snap a past from me. I want to isolate my personal dilemma I have had, but hey I couldn't help it, that is where I'm supposed to draw the basis of advises anyway, sans selfish gratification and revenge. During the time they were still harbored in the team, their relationship has always been grinding on and off. Mostly, extended families ruins the unity of what they developed, the love that they have slowly nurtured, and yet the foundation was weak. I can only speak of what is told. There are unspeakable private incidents they hide for sure,and I know its no longer required to give directions. They have got a one year daughter, of which I'm godmothering and given the child her name too. so I play a vital role at least. He wants to leave them and take life without the family. And one thing for sure, that's unstoppable. The more that you really beg them to stay to keep the family together, the greater this people think that their relationship, the forbidden love is an absolute just in their blinded crooked eyes. I’m blatantly saying that what gives them urge to move on with the "you-and-i-forever-no-matter-what" relationship is all influenced by none other than Ms. Lust. The seven deadly sin is starting to wreak havoc again, sadly.

I gave her several sms exchanges telling her to give them up, stop wallowing and begging to him to come back or even to the effing girl to stop chasing my freaking husband....coz they WON’T. They are in complete state of euphoria, and walk across burning charcoals triumphantly as they leave two defenseless individuals in pain. She can bawl out as loud as she can..if it would help her ease the pain. "TC, I want to make revenge." Oh yeah I felt that too.The sight of that lascivious woman,tied over hot hinges screaming for help, while you guffaw watching as she suffers. A filmstrip in my my mind I've always wanted to direct,but hey it isnt healthy. Im always telling myself that it can never undo anything.So end of conversation, I told her to accept what happened and move on. I know she may not follow it but that is the best thing to do, momentarily, no matter how she rebuts the thought.-end.

This is today.

While updating the blog, FB, checking work emails even if being on a 5-day leave means also segregating work and home duties., he suddenly popped out of my FB chat.I saw him liking my status, 56 seconds ago and I was very tempted to post something that implies their current plight...but I feel like I'm breaking the trust she told me to stand unaware of their break-up.So I didnt. After a few hi's and hello's, and some pleasantries, he suddenly opened up about it., so I tried to appear naturally nonplussed for me to avoid blowing the whistles. And so, I heard his side to give me a balance overview.He narrated his side of the story, that he felt out of love, learned they are not meant to be, that she has taken all for nothing. I’m familiar with this pseudo alibi. I feigned my emotion while I was giving him an advise., that if he chooses the path he is taking now,he must be happy with it and after the madness is over he'll wake up finding the real happiness that's meant for him is his family. He is currently blinded by his feelings. then he went offline after. He'll keep me posted .(he said).--end.

Fact: they are not officially married..:)

Being married for almost ten years we encountered several trifles, insurmountable sometimes, but in the end we still find being together. Men usually come up with alibis even from their doting consorts., and women who falls on their trap, are just worthless as they are I supposed. They justify the superficial emotions with this and that, and in reality, it’s never really going to work anyway. Ironically, they come from dysfunctional families, and all I thought they wanted in their life is ruin others too.

Fact: Men always come back to their wives (anyway) ... at least in the Philippines

---To my late grandmother, I miss you!

Dreams.

I awoke sobbing and I could hardly breath,tears were streaming down my cheeks.The dream was so vivid that I was still carrying the feeling in me. I was holding an elderley woman's hands, and I was telling her that I missed her a lot...and I do now.my grandmother.

She was one I always ran to when my mom reprimands me. Her house was around 10 kilometers away, so when I go visit them, I sleep over most of the time. At a young age, I find no value to so many things, of which I could have kept. When I would spend the night, she would tell me stories during the WW2 and the Japanese era. Since she became a teacher once, her Spanish tongue would utter words jargon in my innocent ears. I would sit on her lap when dusk comes, her shivering hands running through my hair was so ever relaxing ...and so all I know is, it's dawn. In the morning I'd open her closet,dig up her belonging and find valuable items. I also remember how she kept her old bags and purse carefully and whenever I take time to disorganize it, she'd pinch me to the littlest until I couldnt almost feel it. She also taught me Latin prayers, of which I still know by heart until today. Whenever my grandparents would argue, they'd speak Spanish most of the time..and I realized I hope I had listened enough so that I have learned. Both of them hailed from Spanish families so it's not really peculiar that they know it. During death anniversaries, I would accompany her as she administer the prayers, and give me few bucks sometimes.
There are so many fond memories of her kept in me, and I didn't realized she's already passed almost fifteen years ago because most of the times I recall of her were the happiest.The day she died in the province was my defense day in college, so I wasnt there on her funeral. For me it was a good thing I didnt see her in a lifeless state. All that I keep in my memories when I close my eyes is how fun I spent my childhood with her, and her shivering hands on my hair while her WW2 stories is coming back and forth to me...I miss you Lola!

--MTG Grand Prix & Independence day.

It's Independence Day and most importantly today is the MTG Grand Prix here in Manila. It is his second time to join and this time, he's more prepared.

I got up early, set up the breakfast, with spam + egg + rice and instant coffee and ate. It’s a heavy meal since by the time they start the game, there's no more chance dilly dallying. We bathed together like we used to..And by quarter past 7am, his friend was already by the station waiting for us. We are excited. As expected, there were already plenty of players inside the convention center. Bruce was with us, to keep me company later, so it was sort of inconvenient to walk around while it's hanging on my shoulder.. I'm such a people observer so it's got me occupied mostly. Since MTG is a game all over the world, there were a number of foreign players who came all the way from the US, India, Malaysia and of course the Japanese who took most championship, like the 2006 GP. Most of these foreigners are probably nonchalant of how they look, but really, some of them just act so odd. I realized too, that they have the same features that make me feel Tom or John or Paul is alike. Myk and I were trying to match their faces from the Hollywood celebrities, and laugh as soon as we get the look-alike. Another American, looks like the one from Into the Wild flick, he was lanky, tall, donned in whatever shirt, Dockers shorts and some sandals with unkempt hair. And when they pass by, they have this distinct smell....some sort of salty ocean air. I don’t know. It’s a funny observation I guess. So when the game started, I left the building and sat over at a coffee shop with Caffe Mocha and some cheesecake to match. The internet connection was really frustrating me, coz I have to disconnect/connect frequently,....so I wasn’t able to use the time as planned, which was to send my agents individual coaching, etc since I'm on a one week vacation leave. i found myself just updating this blog. He would text me in between to give me updates, and after four hours I stepped out at Starbucks. But wait, as I was passing through the door, that Irish looking MTG player was still there, sitting the way I saw him when I arrived four hours ago, with that same positions..Did he ever touched his food or there's 30 minutes of intervals before he chews the next bite??I was thinking he's kind of all so prim and proper as if he knew he was being watched. Actually, we also found him eating a clubhouse sandwich when we ate at Frenchbaker yesterday.*shrugs,

Back to the convention, Myk had a few losses already but it was better than the last GP. The decks he competed were really good and as he says nothing can ever overturn luck. Luck is luck no other intelligent influence needed really. We were able to have a picture taken with a guest artist, RK Post (Tidehollow Sculler) whose arms were all covered with funky tattoo and he is really tall. I stayed inside the function room since it was cold there. After a 2-3 standing they decided to drop the game. He didn't feel really bad...he just needs to really invest on good cards to win the game...and it's truly costly. I have supported him on these all through out,,,,and I wish I could've continued playing it too. When I play, it consumes me more than giving me fun, coz I go back and forth, and ask myself what could have been my best move to win. It's 50% challenging and 50% fun. After a quick ,meal we went home. His friends' driving agitated my stomach and induced me a great deal of headache. As soon as we got home, I found myself to the toilet bowl..vomitting.
The next thing I found...it's almost midnight..it's now.

---Comparing Apples from Apples.

The weekend came off with the hangover of introspective inclinations.While I was trying to re-evaluate my performance including all members of my team.,I tried to keep my disappointment hidden at it's best vault. I was regretting partly of not having to keep the merit increase issue to myself but I guess it's being me. I was weighing down on who to talk first...until instinct dictated the choice. To some extent, talking to him gave a little bit of release, knowing that I spoke to him on a friendly level sans considering who we were at the office. He is the big boss, and a friend, and I was able to positively confront the situation without being emotional,and clarified his first impression of me. The following day, I talked to my immediate superior during our monthly individual business review, and it turned out well. Knowing the fact that she recognized the good performance that I am delivering plus the quality of our relationship as my support person is getting healthier than before. I told her what I felt about it, of how much was that one point worth to get her buy in from me...of how valuable is my presence,,,etc. She was sympathetic and I can feel the sincerity on her face more that ever. Deep inside of me I know that I wasn't any thing close to comparison of those few people who didn't have good appraisals, and she validated that. She also discussed the quarterly managerial survey of which it was always good like always. My team appreaciates me and wishes I wouldnt change..
Well hopefully...

---Retention Risk: moderate

Over two weeks ago, I was told that I wont get merit increase. It was a tough year, and the scores were going up and down, so I kinda expected it. On that meeting too, it was mentioned that there are very few people who are expected to get an increase, since at least a handful made it eligible so, I am one of the rest who didn't.
So the day finally came for me to see if it was true to its word, and upon checking my account it was the same. I tried texting one of my friend to ask, but she's probably preoccupied to hit the reply button.

When I came to work, I tried asking each one in my team, whom I have appraised last year, and most of them did get it. It may not be valuable to some and take me with no credit for that, but it's ok. "Thank you" may not be a word to expect when all of it was my decision. Honestly, I was happy for them that I felt it was another way of me to say thank you for being what they are in the team, and for each of their contribution month over month. My good mood suddenly evaporated when I heard about most of the TM's getting increase, even to the least, while I didn't?! I felt like bawling out loud to express how disappointed and unfair the process was. This time it's not all about the monetary value they got, though I cannot deny it still matters, now, I felt so unaccomplish.embecile.,,that I have no value at all.
I went to see my old emails where it contained the accounts month over month performance, and my name was sitting on the 13th spot out forty teams. Then I got marked down on values???...I have never been absent for the past year. All through out I tried to comply with what they asked me to do..yet all seemed futile. I cannot help comparing myself amongst others who got it,,yet you'll see them roaming at the smoking area, sleeping at the snooze box, falsifying log in time.etc,.
As far as I know, I was always given one of the highest feedback during survey periods,,,but non of it matters.I am not a people pleaser. I never feigned my camaraderie, or if i have something else to say, I'd probably keep my mouth shut.

At the end of the day,I felt so unworthy for the first time when I know that I made all of the best efforts to meet the expectations they set. So what's my retention risk from my PPR..it says :moderate!oh yeah maybe not.*sobs

Everything has a price. I will fake it next time around.

--Dishing out motherly chores

Being a mother is something every one wants to perfect, including me.For quite a while, eversince I became a TM, I often handed over my household chores to our nanny or my inlaw. I know that she can maneuver domestic duties especially now that she's taking care of Xeon most of the time,and there are instances where I envy her closeness to my daughter. She sleeps with her every night and on my rest days, Xeon would still choose her to sleep beside. Though, I complain about the way she raised her to the point of being a brat, the other part of me is still thankful that she loves her more than anyone else.I felt I had no choice. If I talk to her and tell her what to do, she's gonna think I'm the ungrateful bastard...So I'd rather just leave it that way since I know I couldnt leverage the kind of attention my daughter gets when I'm not home. Though, being at work is no excuse, there's just several things that is limited for me to do. I always explain to Xeon the reason why I'm at work..and it makes me feel contented that in her innocence, she knows the real reason why.

There are other tasks I know I still can handle well besides that. Like school,fashion,demeanor and self esteem..Today, I'm handling one of those. I accompanied our daughter to be enrolled in college.
It was a silent ride enroute to school. We would chat once in a while between intervals of places familiar to me. Along the cozy covered walk of the university, I started trying to revive the past of my college days.some incidents of the past that I couldn't ever forget. There were noticeable renovations. The small creek separating the main building and St. Theresa/Ozanam building were enhanced. Odor emanating from the creek smelled like burnt fried fish, which gave me a reminiscing mood.. I also noticed a small park situated in front of the old Chemistry Laboratory, now turned into a Campus Store and some other school organization offices. We went straight ahead to the Admission office, completed some forms,a very haphazard interview with the Dean, (whom I talked out to put her on block section)..then after an hour we're done enrolling. In her face, I could see a painting of myriad expressions mostly showing profound excitement and fun. She was thankful even unspoken, that she got in the block section, and the fact that I was there with her rather than her father...this sort is a motherly thing supposedly..She was holding her registration form. looking at her subjects and gave her advises of how she should be in college.Im happy knowing that. Unlike when she was younger, when she still dont understand why I had to tell them this and that..this time she now perceives the real intention behind than being believed that I was more of a stalwart, uncaring and selfish. Sometimes, it takes time...but it's worth the wait.

--Meeting with Mylene

People think that I am snobbish and antisocial but really am not. I may not have real friends at work, and after college, I've lost contact with my college chums.Even childhood friends are now becoming out of reach. At work I also have made friends, but noticing how different it is when career is entwined, I have to be choosy. Sometimes,the conflict of interest will arise one way or another. Just the other day, I accidentally opened my YM when me and hubby were at the mall. I saw Mylene online and finally ended up meeting her next week while she's here in Manila.
Our last vis-a-vis was during her wedding in 2005.

It's the fourth of June, and rain has been all over the place. I took an hour of sleep, ran a bath, dressed up and left. A lot has happened and we need a lot of catching up to do. She hasn't changed a bit. She's gain some pounds, but still in the range. I know that since the time she's since me, I've lost my weight terribly. All of a sudden, the past came flashing right at the back of my head. It was fun...giggly and so youthful. She has payed one very important role with my relationship with Myk during the days we were so elusive with the things. She hosted us for a couple of times, at the rooftop of the condo their were living...and it was of course unforgettable.

As always, I'm the chatty one. I get to talk about so much of me, experiences and such, while she get's to listen to me...and that, she hasn't changed. We've shared some parenting styles though hers was different from mine,and it isnt bad at all. Motherhood does not involve specific style to make it better. It's a free -size , all qualifications fit--sort of thing. One thing probably we get to agree is that we dislike the ways our inlaws gets in between the relationship. They are just radical and unconsciously annoying to some level. The food served was almost left unfinished,we're not the ravenous one, unlike our two other friends....and I missed them too.

--Nothing is irreversible.

Am turning 34 in a matter of days. It gives me a little fright somehow.fear of old age,grey hair showing anytime soon and life of being senile as time grows older with you..Yet part of me is thankful coz I know that in my countenance the age doesnt show any bit.I am happy too that I am doing well with my career even if it wasnt the profession my dad wanted for me. I am happy that my family is getting stronger, kids getting more mature to understand you whenever you say "No!" or why they couldnt do all thing they always wanted. Honey and I are becoming more and more focused in nurturing our family together, regardless of an abhominable past....That word stopped me. It also gives me melancholy and happiness oxymoronically.
Now, I hate talking about what-if's for same obvious reasons that it meant so hypothetical. Since I am little confrontational,I am not afraid to ever talk about it. Myk and I had so many good times together.The way we started was merely an accident because we had common friends. WE have chased so many summer time with the two of us, sleepless nights at the roof top while watching the big dipper vanish the sky, sleeping over at a friends house,paper/tissue talks, movie and sundae together, scrabble and minesweeper,food trips, randomly spend twilight at the breakwater,and I realized that all through out those time I spent happy time with him did not involve aything sensual.I could live in a world where probably mundane things is secondary than knowing the real essence of a relationship..we never lost words to speak of.
Until the unspeakable came. we were tested by physical temptations where most of the time untrue and superficial. At one one point, I felt it almost collapsed.I had to keep it to no one but myself and me. It wasnt easy but since I know him being swept over by temptation "only", I gotta hang on I said. And I did. The realization bomb dropped in his very face when he's almost about to lose the important pieces of the puzzle the keeps one good picture. ..our family. He met someone who came from a dysfunctional family, who had nothing in life but lust and trouble and cannot live a life manless where that is where all of them belong. Well it was the past. It was the worst part of his life to ever happpen..and I know no matter how much he wanted to unmake these, it'll never be undone. What he wants to do now is be more responsible of which he has been afterall.
Nothing could ever be reversed. Sometimes, during the process of doing the wrong things, there's always that someone to tell you that what you are doing is wrong, yet, the physical overwhelming ecstasy worth less than 30 seconds is what they opted to choose rather than be right, to the extent of hurting other innocent people. It's sad that these specie exist,,but the good thing I have found after that is, we know that we belong to no one else but us....
we are alter ego,nontheless.

----Gastronomical Adventures

Eight months?...That's how long I have not been frequenting the gym. But anyhow, it doesnt stop me to keep an eye on my diet. My greatest fear will come to me very soon if I dont do that. I always tell myself that if my weight ever go out of proportion, I'd commit suicide..During meal, at least I get to be very conscious of the calorie intake. Myk and I eat out a lot. at least 75% of our meals are served via restaurants or fast food chains.Som I thought of giving a review on each of the resto we visit. Besides the common Filipino fast food chains, we've also tried several restaurants.

Today I'm starting this gastronomical trips at The French Baker". It is a Filipino owned resto serving a variety of pasta and soups, and bread, since it's a famous bakeshop. We have eaten here before, long time ago, and I know it wasnt a good experience...so I'm giving it another shot.On food, Im not the adventurous type. My comfort zone has to be met all the time otherwise, I'll regret it all through out. i ordered Chicken Ala King, and Myk took Lasagna verde which was baked with spinach..some cheese and herbs together. Myk has not eated spinach before..so it's gonna be his first. I know what chicken ala king taste like so, I don't have much to expect.

Out 10, chicken ala king is a five star, lasagna verde is a 7. Although it didn't look like much in the picture, but the taste was good for the price. Less calorie but full of protein and energy. My order had steamed corn and asian salad, which was superb. I'd come back again and probably try another set..

--Wanderlust III ( The Joy of Intimacy)

The look in your eyes
show muted fear and doubts.
As we walk farther
from the darkeend world
The journey seemed endless
bu the will is infinite
We rested for a while
under an enormous tree
i gazed at your tired eyes
and whisper these words:
" Take me to your world"
"But first, take me to your arms"
We embraced tightly,
as if longing for each other.
The embrace ignited the fire
the flame of inner passion
in a realm where only us
could bare the truth within
I kissed your ears gently
and touched your nape soothingly,
I looked at you intimately,
and held your face gently.
"Can I kiss you my love?"
I saw no response...
but you closed your eyes..
I also closed my eyes..
and let the love direct me.
In seconds our wet lips collide...
The burning love rampages on
with desire only heaven knows,
where the warm breeze,
took us into its arms,
and covered the place with intimacy
The sky was filled music
The mountains echoed in poetry
I felt electricity rushing within us
the moment embedded in our thoughts
lingering in our fearful hearts...
A kiss that can last forever...
ceased, for us to move on..
You smiled at me and said:
"HOld me forever in thy arms"
"My world is your home"
The journey might be long..
but as long as we are together....
We'll see the light of your world..

---Wanderlust II (A visitor in my world)

...
This is my world
No light could escape
the grasp of darkness

...
A vacuum of sin and beyond
trampling the weak
grinding the innocents
...
The dance of the horned ones
and the songs of the banshees
rumble accross the ebony walls
...
I walk further from the party
deafened by the monotony
of haunting miseries

...
Then with a glimpse from afar
I saw a flicker of light
accompanied by a faint whisper
...
As you near,I saw your eyes
sparkled and died down
as you saw my face

...
"I thought this is your world"
"You should be alive in glee"
Your words muted my voice.

...
I ignored your statement
I looked at you and smiled
"come visit my world"
...
WIth a thousand miles to walk
we never lose a word to speak of,
wandering amidst the darkness

...
For the first time, I felt alive
Your song touched my soul
and made me see the light

...
In every step we took
I would read to you a poem
You would glance at ame and smile

...
The tour came to it's end
I stare at you blankly
You looked at me with fear

....
I held your hand and inched closer
I slowly closed my eyes
Quietlym our lips touched with fire

....
The moment ever so magical
a kiss that nurtures the soul
and heals the wounds of the past

...
I wish it could last forever
But alas you're only a visitor
here in my desolate world
...
" I thought this is your world"
"You should be alive in glee"
Again I whispered these words.

...
This time reply
With a twinkle in my eye
"This was my world...."

..Quondam Asinine

---sponged

In living daylight
stumbling on the mire.
while fetid steam grows
All over my skin
is the earth gnawing
each inch of fervor left
yet anonymously
with freezing hands
unfolds a still sunlight
without any transcending
heat.
and firmament pouring down
unlike these fragments
gradually killing my senses,
the rain stops.
with definite movement and flow.
a macabre of two shadows
dance in lust
unlike these rain it stops.

---Wanderlust

My late evening promenade
brought me here,
I walked consciously at the pavement,
Oblivious of the distance I've traveled.
I hear crickets hum their own tunes.
Dewdrops glistened as moonlight struck on the grass.
In the midst of nowhere,
It's paradise, I'm alone.
Under the crescent moon,
I groped, at an slow pace.
With my head downcast,
I saw a shadow,
another figure, thriving for a direction,,..
Like me.
As I looked up, our eyes met.
Doldrums creased on his face.
We exchanged glances,
Gazes akin to feelings.
Like a raconteur, narrating both our past.
Pains and emptiness that spells your suffering,
Fears and longings I harbored.
Silently we talked.
While I willingly listened,
as you whispered softly.
Words only loneliness knew.
Yet, we both understand.
He reached closer to me,
until our body touched.
An embrace, planting more emotions in ou core.
I didn't refuse in anyway.
No words to say.
Gradually, you moved and held my chin.
You press gently your lips on mine,
Damp and cold.
Suddenly, I turned away and looked
into your eyes... then I cried.
It's not regret I felt,
nor pain it emanates.
In the serenity of the night,
Your heart raced faster, I can hear
We belong to a different world..I said
It's not me you need yet..
Time, peace or it's yourself you ought to find.
"Did I hurt you?",I asked.
"No." you replied,
Though I know that you lied.
I looked around and saw the sun
has ascend to the horizon.
Like a wicker in your heart,
Igniting the embers of cheers
Abiding within you for years.
I guess we are a poltergeist of the waking life.
Trying to create a world that only our mind can make.
So the moon bid goodbye for another day to come,
While the cold of the night melts as the sun climbs,
And crickets hum with diminishing sound, We also bid Adieu.
Quietly, I assured, We'll meet again. I'm sure we will.
Without turning back , we started separately our journey,
A journey no one knows the end.

--Longest Summer

As the days passed by,I cannot count how many times I complain about not being able to repose and get rest. Almost everyday, I come to work like an empty battery. I hurdle over the minutes I work feeling sleepy while my productivity is at stake. It's summer. Each time we have casual conversations at work, or people at the train speaks of the same complain.
Just earlier, Meralco was rying to fix something so they had to turn off the electricity.That's ironic. So, I decided to go to work early, take a nap and have rest.But alas...more ironic things happened.I went straight to the snooze box, took a bed and when I was about to lie down, the face of one former rep who passed away last year suddenly flashes her face through the one sleeping beside me. My body went jittery, got up, and hurriedly walk out of the room. My drowsiness got off me right away...so I ran to Starbucks downstairs and sipped caffeine as much as I can!!!
Can summer just end NOW!.

---Froyo Addiction

"What froyo!?" Is that a new cartoon character?I was thinking probably they meant Pocoyo, the Italian cartoon. My naivety was just too obvious when I heard it.During my dad's birthday, my sister told about her yoghurt concoctions. Her friend bought her this little device to make a home-made yoghurt with local fruits, and she brought us one time,, and I think it was good. It was nothing to me. I am a fan of yoghurt even then until I didnt realize everyone in the world is already addicted to it.When we went to the mall aling with the kids, Xy asked me to buy her, a frozen yoghurt at Red Mango...so the addiction reached her to my surprise. She told they had it when her aunts brought them there.
So, we went to the store. The queue was a bit long so she went to buy anyway. She's a great yoghurt lover so I let her be. While watching the queue, I realized that Filipinos, are generally into buying what's hype to the point that some of them are forcibly trying to appear like socialites. Frozen yoghurt has been there all along, and why suddenly it's becoming a favorite? Is it because it's expensive? From the countenance of some of the people buying there, they don't even look like one. Oh yeah, probably I'm so judgemental...but the basis of my observations are not on what they wear or the scent they carry...It's probably the way that they talk or act when it awkwardly appears on them. No,I'm not cynical.or snobbish.What I'm trying to say is that. some people rides on popularity of something.
I dont know.I just hate their sort.

----Social Scavenger

Most of the time, I find interest in observing peoples' action, while eating, riding the train,walking or whatever. I would stop my gaze at them discreetly. This morning, I had another chance to witness something I think is peculiar. Me and Myk, went to the mall with Bruce. He bought this cable last night to help him connect his pc and laptop at the same time, but with the mobility to do work downstairs when it's extremely hot.
while we eating at a common resto, a man of late 40's sat as soon as the two women left the table. I thought that he was simply aiming that spot but he slowly bussed out the rest of the dirty plates and carefully left the untouched food in front of hiim. While the rest of the people aroud were busily chewing their food....I was staring at him. I sensed that he's up to do something. After a few minutes of close surveillance to the crowd, he ate the left over food, vamoosed and went to the driking fountain. Still he didn't notice my guarded eyes as he walked away ...I followed him with my gaze while he was looking for another prey. If you look at how he was dressed up,it was nothing out of ordinary.,,khaki shorts, off-whitish tee shirt, slippers and a small plastic bag. It's a better way of getting food to eat than waiting for the garbage trucks or begging out in the street,comfortably eating at an air conditioned place eating cleaner food than the hobos loitering outside the scorching summer heat.

----Our new baby!

Summer.Everyone complains of the scorching heat. My husband whines on how he works uncomfortably while the fan rotating is blowing hot air, and he wishes to have a laptop so could have other choice of working besides our room. And so finally, we bought a new laptop, Bruce. I like the way she perfoms, and it means I can blog more than often. We now find ourselves at coffee shops, restaurants or malls where wifi is ubiquitously accessible at no cost..This means I'm becoming more of a blogger now, which is rather worthy than fb'ing 100% of computer usage liking statuses of some narcissistic homo sapiens feeling so ever popular.

-Just outright honest!

It's been four weeks now, since I have not been able to get a good night sleep. My team was able to bid for a fixed schedule for three months, April,May and June. I was happy that we were given that privelege to be on the fourth spot out of forty teams but to this day,I realized I chose the wrong time. I should've have chosen the late shift so that the sun is already set, it's a bit colder and more condusive for sleeping. But regardless, I always try to manage to come to work on time. Our log in sheets are just considered as we enter the premise.The other day, one of my co-tm came in a more than two hours after her scheduled time and accidentally found out that she wrote a different log in time. I felt a bit of unfairness to think that I never lied on the time I come in for work.

At the back of my mind, it has to be addressed right away. During my business review with my OM, I told her of that. Suddenly after our one on one, I feel guilty that I shouldnt have done it in the first place. I know that there will be a controllable measure she's gonna do stop it from happening...and so here it comes. She was requiring everyone to log in to the AVAYA plus the log in sheet. For sure, my co-t's would hate me for doing this. I shouldnt have done it and just let her be guilty all through out. Sometimes by being so honest sucks.

--Being a Mother...being a child...

I grew up in a big family where I have got six siblings. My mother calls us as her seven angels, because we are all girls. My Dad's genes are scarce with creating men to propagate the clan as they say. Regardless, we never felt at any instance my father ever being disappointed with us. We are all born at least 3 years to five years apart so that makes it planned I guess. On my seventh sibling, my father's last try of luck, he stopped wishing to have a son. I know that he is destined to have girls like us to take care of them as they grow old and not one of those he passed on his hammer and saw. As I grow, I was taught on how to be more independent, learn how to value little things, and what mold me probably now to become persevering by studying hard. My parents send us to good school regardless if we have meager staples.
We were never a problem to my parents. The seven of us completed college degrees and not to ever involved in vices, smoking, drinking,premarital sex, truancy...name it. Having a relationship within the education period is a big no-no to father. I recall my father driving away guys who frequents outside our house. He knew that they were merely staying there to have a sight of us. Although, my father was a certified martinet, we grew up sociable, religious to a certain degree and learn to keep self-esteem. As soon as we graduated from high school class, we were sent to the Manila where it literally means they won’t be able to barricade us 24hours a day, seven days a week. I felt it was a relief since I’m embarking challenges outside of paternal guidance. There were hesitations from the way they would talk to us, pieces of advice we are to forever keep to maintain the dream they want for use. I remember the night I left my home was one of the saddest moments of my life. Even if it meant that I am to thrust my step a little forward to a new chapter of my life, where independence will be my very own delight, I knew that deep inside me I will miss their presence. I'm leaving the cocoon I have woven since birth. I'd be missing my dad most of all and the frequency of us talking again will be lesser and lesser. This was the time I also confessed and admitted to myself in soliloquy that I'm a certified dad's girl. I was the only one amongst my siblings who sleeps with him and is interested of the manly chores he does.

After a while, I was able to cope up with homesickness. At first I would sob secretly on my morning matins or evening vespers, until it came off gradually. College was fun. This was completely different from high school. I have learned so many things from being frugal and spendthrift, to being lavish...to be stalked and admired at least several times and in the end turned each of them down...and married. All through out, I realized that whatever my parents taught us, or probably how I was influenced with poverty and education, being the ticket to a good life, I, us, the seven of us, never faltered in clinging to that old advises. I may not have been spoon-fed when I was little, or probably cuddled so many times by my mom, nor had birthday gift ever from her, or may have been hugged or kissed when I do a good job, or whatever mother's sweetness, I can attest to the fact that my mom, my dad loves us more than anything else in the world. We have overturned upheavals while we are away from them as we grow, but it didn’t change our values in life. Now, that I am being a mother of two plus two, I am not sure if I can implant that same upbringing as my kids grow. I’m not clingy with them or at least I try really..Yet it's too soon to say I am a good mother. It's a profession no one could ever perfect. And so I realized that my mom was good enough to raise me like this although I am not an easy child sometimes when I was with them.

I give all of my hearts out to my mom. Who’s one of the greatest there is.

--- Scars of the Heydays

I forcibly opened my eyes, awakened by the screeching cars passing our rented place. My sight was still blurred and half awoke I could hear my sister saying that the water supply is running low today. It didn't trigger me anyway. It's quarter past eight and I should be hurrying for my nine A.M. class but my body is still curled up in my bed. The eastern monsoon giving the cold temperature during the first month of the year is tempting me to sleep longer. My lazy mood melted when the sunrays started to peep through the door. I admonished myself to be more reluctant of the time however. Leisurely, I prepared myself for school, skipping breakfast.. (as usual!) I was so surprised to see that the España Blvd. at this hour is usually queued with vehicles jam packed with sleepy-headed passengers, swaying to and fro almost bumping the next passenger's head. But this morning, the traffic was so light.
Enroute to school, there were many thoughts entertaining me. Yesterday, I greeted my parents of their wedding anniversary through a phone call. Subsequently, realized that I haven't stayed home longer than before, after my high school graduation. A sudden tinkle of melancholy rang inside of me that I have gotten used to ever since my college. I wish I could be home every weekend then back to Manila again. But since it takes four hours of bus ride and two hours of ferry trip plus half an hour travel to our town from the pier to get home, it is very impractical and tiring on my part. Not to mention the seasickness I get every time I miss to down a tablet of Bonamine. Oh, how I hate that feeling! On the contrary I still feel lucky that I could be home within the day compared to some of my friends who spends two days before they could get home. Anyway, whenever I miss my home, I resort to something that would make me feel like I'm there. Among any other thing that makes me really feel their presence is to stare on old photographs taken during Christmas, fiestas and family gatherings. And the most striking picture of them is the one taken during my cousins' birthday sixteen years ago. I treasure it so much because they are the only few pictures I possess when I was still young. Most of our pictures were washed away when that disastrous storm in the 80's hit the country and left many families homeless. That picture brings flashbacks of my childhood memories. Gone were those days when I ran half naked in the shore bathing, frolicking while basking underneath the high noon's sun with my sisters and friends who were also my relatives. Or maybe those afternoons, my younger sister and I sneaked from our noon siesta, just to play leapfrogs, hopscotch and "patentero" and we would run amuck when we hear three loud whistles from my father. I remember one time when we scampered and almost stumble down when we heard three whistles and laughed aloud only to fid out that it was our neighbor calling for their lost hog. Also those nights when the full moon is up in the firmament, my mom, I and altogether with my sisters played hide and seek, while the moonlight spreads at our backyards. Especially those weekends my two chums and I explored the mountain and climb up on our favorite tree, talking about our crushes and dreams. While we were up on the tree we watched the sun descend behind the hilltop. Once we nearly fall down when we saw a snake silently snoozing, while entwined in the nearest bough. Scary though, but it didn't stopped us from doing it again. Yet we become more painstaking the next time. Another was that twilight, I would bawl out loud from being punished because I neglected to do the assigned household chores to me. Likewise, those birthdays I had envied my cousin for their lavish celebrations and me, feasting before an ordinary pansit and loaves of bread. Cakes and balloons and hotdog on stick were my symbols and yardstick of a birthday celebration. I felt sorry fro myself then and in spite of that, I ever blamed my parents because they made us understand our plight. Yet, I enjoyed them all. Maybe I could never do it again the way I had enjoyed it during the heydays of my childhood. Those times when my only concern is to play and have fun. Since most of my contemporaries were already married while others are not living there anymore. I am the only whose left fancy free so it could never happen again. Things have slowly changed now and will have to change in time. Two years ago, my younger sister and I meandered to the mountain where we used to go. It was still the same, though the tree where we used to climb up was already lying on the ground, ready to be hewed for firewood. The foot of the mountain was cleared from bushes and tall grasses, yet the memories yester years still remain. The giggle still echoes, reverberating as I recall. I tried to shout at that moment then heard my echo and felt like I'm young again. The voice I had played and listened the way I did years ago. Looking back at the memories and see some scars reminds me of my childhood adventures. I never regret them. I am happy now knowing that it once happened to me because it made me who I am now. Maybe if my parents weren't too strict on the policies at home, I wouldn't learn why life has to be bitter, sour, pungent or sweet. It is for us to be taught and learn from every trial. The honking of the car behind the jeepney where I was riding on evaporated the playing past in my head, though I have yet to reminisce. Perhaps, tons of them. I barely have five minutes before nine or before I will be late. I alighted from the vehicle and walked past the students at the walkway I have trekked umpteen times. Still the realization lingered in my head. I plainly spent one half of my life at home and memories cling on for a lifetime. It doesn't matter now if I can't do it as much as again. I know I had a good time. My childhood is like the prologue of my own book, for most part is spent away from them. I have to face it whether I want it or not. A melancholy I have to get used to, in time and a challenge I have to face. Well, life is unfair. Whoever said that life was fair, tell me?