--Out in the wild

No net. No phone.No cable....I feel like out running in the wild. But I say hey no. This things were the only aspects to make me run wild. Recollecting my younger days where simple things meant a lot. My ultimate dream then was not of barbie dolls collection and dreamland...I just wanted to ride a carousel. Having to grow up in an environment were crickets was an indication of dusk, and catching dragonflies every mid afternoon basking underneath the sun,..collecting shells by the sea shore and throwing stones by the sea..and whoever gets to throw the farthest will have the closest chance to have a wish come true. .As I remember them, there's a wishful thinking.. I hope that those days when your contentment were just as simple as that can still be as simple as it is when technology has taken over. So I may not have internet for 2 days, no cable or no phone but i still have ways to enjoy life. I went out with hubby and the mall was the closest destination.frozen milo and burger.getaway number one!..

--Denizen Number One

And he puffs his cigar, standing with arms akimbo, he uttered some chants thoughtlessly. I tried to listen carefully and discreetly in a way he wouldnt recognized my curiousity. The words he said were things I cannot understand. He was sort of talking with an imaginary friend and debating on something. Our eyes met and I was jerked inside..I walked with bigger strides so as I will be passed him and I never cared to look back. The next day, no more cigar in his hands, he was sitting in a bench while both hands were placed in the face of a white dog and feathers were starting to fall off..but I figured, in his eyes he looked like a lassie…this time his eyes were just so locked up steadily at the dog until I walked passed him..

Succeeding days were alike, he would either be talking alone with a cigar or just sitting around the corner with his meaningless chants always donned in old boxers and ripped shirts. Why do I care and noticed what he does? He is just one of those people who have lost the grasp to sanity…It’s because I want to ask him if he still feels pain.{not physically) or what he still dreams of after all. Or do I just envy him..He wouldnt care of any bills to pay, or even work and be pressured more than enough for deadlines to meet..Or how to save for rainy days..Or maybe he envies us..Maybe he wanted also to work,..to party and drink every saturday night.He wanted to be of help, wanted and be needed. I felt lucky because even if I’m srangled between bills to pay and what not, I have a chance to be needed, be loved and enjoy life the way I wanted to…not just sit in one corner and be useless…..

--Tabula Rasa

They say men were naturally good.Born with clean slate.No what-so-ever sins that emanated from a thousand years ago…And still people prove their might to nature, to others who doesn’t even care two minutes after. and these makes the whole universe twisted..

So where does it start?..Anyway that night I never imagined it would’ve happened. Everytime I think of it, I look back umpteen times to ask what has been wrong. We came to do actions that is very unlikely, until that feelings you hold on to collapse like an ice melting amidst the flaming heat of sunlight….like an ember slowly turning into ash. The same eyes that concealed feelings leading to believe the world is filled with love..The same arms that held me when the nights were cold and freezing…The same man I fought for against everyone else…The same man that i love more than ever….is the same man I hated…I am enduring a reprisal commited by someone in his past…..
And the words were irreversible including the pain chiseled in to make me feel this contempt. I said..I have given up. The word too much was very applicable that I ended up waking in my makeshift bravado and realized this has to end,..I felt nothing. And days passed without bothering to talk to him. I felt I was at peace. No pain,.. so this must be good. A contingency plan is already brewing up at my side…

…But it didnt end the way I wanted it to. That person asked me to get him back..It wasnt easy. I came to myself if that feelings was there but i cannot find it anymore. The night I saw my self waking up, was when I left and had all vanished…And this time i’d say man is really born with an intention to be good to others. I didnt know that the night I have allowed myself to hate him was really the time I have totally forgiven him. I was denying myself from something else..that night was when I completely let him off the hook. I have to let go. I need to accept that I am there to be his only someone who will pull him up in his weakest moment. and bring him up to where we all started. forgiveness and letting go.and no one will do it if I wont. He’s my alter ego.the other half of the whole pie. I know that I may not be back the same way I did but at least we can start with everything cleaned up…clean slate,,,…a good beginning…and the key is just "letting go"..and it felt good

---Between denial and faith

I have been hooked up watching the series "Lost" . Initially, I wasn’t really enticed by it until the 5th episode was the first part I’ve seen. The story ran about 46 or so people who were stranded on an island due to a plane crash. Anyway, each episodes shows story of the survivors before they were on a the crash or at least what they were. The doctor played the main role, being able to save lives…guiding and giving the last string of hope to all. I have just noticed that each one of them had something to get over with..mistakes and a past they are trying to run away. And in their current situation accepting the "what should’ve been" became more difficult…letting go..Lost in a place where neither optismism and logic can be grasped..and the thin line between denial and faith is so slim and any moment anyone crashes will break it with no defense left.

One way or another I felt something relative to their stories.. I have done things and experienced through series of difficulties outside of my parents turf. I have made decisions and end up blaming myself for it if I hadnt like the outcome. But I can let it go in such a way that Im gonna make it myself transcending every battle the second time around..and i say no…and cry., that thin line i have between denial and faith is slowly deteriorating..and when the time comes i’ll just be a freaking someone drifted apart..

--Get through

Well it took place. Change. Still the difficulty of getting enough rest before going to work arises. I was anxious for work tonight..the urge to sleep came by the time i have to stand up and take a bath. The pouring rain outside aggravated the dawdling..until I saw the time close to tardiness. Got the cab and the fare came to a very surprising rate which of course I got the driver’s attention.He somehow eschewed my interrogation but that is something I dont buy. Im a regular commuter so I know exactly how the rate is, given the wee hours…and he left like speedy gonzales!

I was right. I came to enjoy the new group and found old friends belonging in the same cluster which made me more comfortable more than ever. I didnt even know that there was only four hours left.. My little bundle kicks quite occasionally and my prayers goes to him to be healthy and in good shape..Me and hubby had lunch together, which is something we always enjoy doing together either over a piece of cake or a whole 12-inch pizza or a P10 sunday cone.

..at least i was able to get through going home happy compared to yesterday..

----how you face it? that matters…

Change is quite too normal in our daily encounter. Even if each day seems so alike still everday is different..Change of weather…people you meet on the train..or even the number of strides you take when you reach your desk at work.Yesterday we were surprised that we have to be in another group again, plunging on a different schedule and mates you will have to deal with. New sup, saying their daily litany to reps that kinda sucks every time you hear them say it …all you have to say is "Amen." { excuse me if i have to use it!}.

Although I have been very moody, I had it viewed on a new perspective..that i will gain more friends, learn to work with these people and perform better! (DUHHH). And with these, I felt a little compensation. We just have to face changes on an angle others dont see or deny to accept. { sigghhs} At home, all is well. This space helps me vent out my varying moods which I have not done until lately. I would blog on a normal basis then and now it’s becoming a habit again..The need to sleep creeps now so I have to retire.

---Nature and it's cycle

Im so tired and emotionally drained but I have to hang on each day smoothly.Sometimes I think that I just inflict the pain to myself so I can get over with it sooner than I thought but I realized you cannot teach nature lest it will become more difficult to handle. Things just go away giving them natural death. At this point I’m quite confuse {not to the point of leaving}..It’s a feeling of how to deal with things while you are weak and down. A certain knack you have to draw somewhere from "someone" to vaccilate in between nostalgia and survival! And oftentimes only a few people really takes effort to take a peek and understand the situation before even judging you..and the saddest part is if the people you are pertaining to are those you expect to be a part of your so-called "wallowing".

However, deep inside you, there’s that instinct to be at your best and high hopes that things will be fine in time anyway. When you’re severely wounded, all you feel is bitterness and definitely excruciating pain, questioning all living creature you see..and asks WHY? You ask where you went wrong and what could have been done to parry mishaps., yet I find myself answering my own self. There are things in this world that happen no matter what you do..You cannot control people…even your love ones…{which hurts more than ever!} And during the confrontation, they try to justify what they have to make it seem right though you both know it doesn’t. Nothing can ever justify mistakes because these are actions you do basing it only on your own willingness and happiness sans considering others feeling.. Selfishness in one word.

Afterall, the bottom line is forgiveness! {aint it monotonous?!} I have no choice. The people we’re talking about are those I cannot live without and you wish you have a never-ending urge to forgive. Forgiving is saying it’s ok even if you have been hurt… and forgetting is still far in the offing.. geessh….So I will have to let nature squeeze it out from my system in a given space and time..LIfe is a circle…The least you can do is be drifted and drifted till you get the hang of it! Ironic!

--What's the purpose?!

Working at night is not as easy as it is. Besides the fact that you change your body clock against to what you have been accustomed. Five months on my way aggravates the feeling of not having to pamper yourself with rest and a whole lot of sleeping. At work, I became more pensive of stuffs I wasnt even thinking before and these started to envelop my senses. Deep inside, a part of me was saying I have to quit and look forward on transferring to other department that will suit the kind of schedule I wanted especially with the current predicament., but who will be my ally?!
So each day passes like I’m dragging myself to the ground for some responsibilities…because I have no other choice.!.The environment at work changed and it was very noticeable. My friends have gone out looking for "greener pasture" which is like tantamount to boredom from the work and the pressure we get everyday. And I turn to my self saying why didnt I do the same.? Might be a cliche to say that call centers are same shits with different smell..but i have to consider which stinks than the other..where it pays more than here! They come out with spiffs like passing through a needle hole so you can get it ! sucks!..She yells here and there to pull up the freaking metrics but do they ever imagine why people around dont get satisfied? But they are the boss.,..YOu are under their fucking turf and being obedient is like a number one requirements..so what’s the purpose of making a clamor for a change when these people doesnt even realize why we do get frustrated with them! so I say what is the use? So YOU, sit in one corner and follow? FUCK!!!