---An essay for her.

it's past 3am. i was shaken as i see the wooden in floor crimson red.my eyes, stopped at her throwing up blood continuously, and I felt fear right away.at the age of five, i may still be nonchalant but I cried right after the sight of it. It was my mother,... and the last time I ever saw her alive. My younger sister,which was only two years old then, bawled out loud screaming "Mama!" as they carried her hurriedly to the hospital. We frequent the ICU room when she was confined hoping she would wake up on our next visit, but she succumbed to death.I ended up asking God Why her?...that question was never answered.I could recount the time we went through the grief, my father at 25 got widowed and us 5 & 2, left with no mother around. It was terribly difficult and the only time I realized that was when I was growing up. Although, my grandmother stood up more than a mother for us, my mom's presence would have been far different. I grew up and encountered so many things a teenager goes through, of which some are undeniably causing headache to my father,and during those milestones and obstacles,I wished she could have been around to witness it. However, I am lucky enough that although her presence is already left in my memory, I am surrounded with people who wishes nothing but good intentions for me.

Im now seventeen and that question I asked when I was five years old, find its answer slowly as I become mature. Regardless if the answer was to my liking, all I want to think of was the good memories she's shared with me. I remember those times....

I cannot imagine now,if all of these good memories sheltering my mind, remains an untangible memory? Writing pave its way to make untangible things be felt and be understood somehow to a certain degree. It depicts greater meaning to what we see, feel, hear, think and hear. Now I wonder why shouldn't I write afterall.

---@ Thirty Four

I couldnt recall just how many times something odd happens during my birthday, and this time it's going to be different again.

My FB says I had 91 notifications,whew! that's a lot of greetings. It felt good. The overwhelming joy is there, even this was merely a simple greetings from acquaintances, former team mate, colleague, relatives, friends and of course my superiors. I say a million thanks. My hubby gave me my favorite chocolate and a greeting card. When it comes to celebrations, I'm not the material type....I consider the emotional value bestowed across each greeting,,,,and a birthday card is special to me. His mom prepared some food and in the afternoon, the whole family had pizza and cake together. After that, we went to the cinema houses supposedly to find a good flick to watch..but DVDrip downloads spoil my interest to spend money on big screen..when I can just download it anytime and watch to my own desire. At the mall, the word SALE boomed right into me when one of my favorite clothing line --MNG is having their annual clearance sale. I got my self an addition to my vest collection and a red-orange coral necklace I had been eyeing long time ago.

---Back to school errands

My daughter has been waiting for school to commence. She just transferred to another school where his father attended his elementary. Xy was anxious meeting new classmates, new environment and bigger school I supposed. I am happier too, coz this is the type of school I want to send her to. Since I am on a 5 days leave, I do most of the school errands...covering books, notebooks, naming this and that..etc. and I'm not complaining. I can only whine about her sporadic tantrum attacks and most of them are really bearable.

...tbc

---Marriage trifles 101

My phone beeped while I was sipping the strawberry iced bubba and everytime I get an sms, I'm a bit anxious,my fear of absences notifications from my reps are always there. I feel like peeping the name on the screen all the time. It's midafternoon, and I'm sure they have hit the sack by this time, so yes it wasnt from any of my team. I couldn't help mentioning the 6% absenteeism rate caused by an attriting agent.,anyway lets start.

This was yesterday.

As I opened my inbox, I already have a guess of what the sender has to say. She, being one whom I have handled in the team for the longest time recounts her commiserate life. On her message,it tells of how much she couldn't handle their break up. He found another woman, to replace her after him realizing that she was not all worth it. This feeling kinda snap a past from me. I want to isolate my personal dilemma I have had, but hey I couldn't help it, that is where I'm supposed to draw the basis of advises anyway, sans selfish gratification and revenge. During the time they were still harbored in the team, their relationship has always been grinding on and off. Mostly, extended families ruins the unity of what they developed, the love that they have slowly nurtured, and yet the foundation was weak. I can only speak of what is told. There are unspeakable private incidents they hide for sure,and I know its no longer required to give directions. They have got a one year daughter, of which I'm godmothering and given the child her name too. so I play a vital role at least. He wants to leave them and take life without the family. And one thing for sure, that's unstoppable. The more that you really beg them to stay to keep the family together, the greater this people think that their relationship, the forbidden love is an absolute just in their blinded crooked eyes. I’m blatantly saying that what gives them urge to move on with the "you-and-i-forever-no-matter-what" relationship is all influenced by none other than Ms. Lust. The seven deadly sin is starting to wreak havoc again, sadly.

I gave her several sms exchanges telling her to give them up, stop wallowing and begging to him to come back or even to the effing girl to stop chasing my freaking husband....coz they WON’T. They are in complete state of euphoria, and walk across burning charcoals triumphantly as they leave two defenseless individuals in pain. She can bawl out as loud as she can..if it would help her ease the pain. "TC, I want to make revenge." Oh yeah I felt that too.The sight of that lascivious woman,tied over hot hinges screaming for help, while you guffaw watching as she suffers. A filmstrip in my my mind I've always wanted to direct,but hey it isnt healthy. Im always telling myself that it can never undo anything.So end of conversation, I told her to accept what happened and move on. I know she may not follow it but that is the best thing to do, momentarily, no matter how she rebuts the thought.-end.

This is today.

While updating the blog, FB, checking work emails even if being on a 5-day leave means also segregating work and home duties., he suddenly popped out of my FB chat.I saw him liking my status, 56 seconds ago and I was very tempted to post something that implies their current plight...but I feel like I'm breaking the trust she told me to stand unaware of their break-up.So I didnt. After a few hi's and hello's, and some pleasantries, he suddenly opened up about it., so I tried to appear naturally nonplussed for me to avoid blowing the whistles. And so, I heard his side to give me a balance overview.He narrated his side of the story, that he felt out of love, learned they are not meant to be, that she has taken all for nothing. I’m familiar with this pseudo alibi. I feigned my emotion while I was giving him an advise., that if he chooses the path he is taking now,he must be happy with it and after the madness is over he'll wake up finding the real happiness that's meant for him is his family. He is currently blinded by his feelings. then he went offline after. He'll keep me posted .(he said).--end.

Fact: they are not officially married..:)

Being married for almost ten years we encountered several trifles, insurmountable sometimes, but in the end we still find being together. Men usually come up with alibis even from their doting consorts., and women who falls on their trap, are just worthless as they are I supposed. They justify the superficial emotions with this and that, and in reality, it’s never really going to work anyway. Ironically, they come from dysfunctional families, and all I thought they wanted in their life is ruin others too.

Fact: Men always come back to their wives (anyway) ... at least in the Philippines

---To my late grandmother, I miss you!

Dreams.

I awoke sobbing and I could hardly breath,tears were streaming down my cheeks.The dream was so vivid that I was still carrying the feeling in me. I was holding an elderley woman's hands, and I was telling her that I missed her a lot...and I do now.my grandmother.

She was one I always ran to when my mom reprimands me. Her house was around 10 kilometers away, so when I go visit them, I sleep over most of the time. At a young age, I find no value to so many things, of which I could have kept. When I would spend the night, she would tell me stories during the WW2 and the Japanese era. Since she became a teacher once, her Spanish tongue would utter words jargon in my innocent ears. I would sit on her lap when dusk comes, her shivering hands running through my hair was so ever relaxing ...and so all I know is, it's dawn. In the morning I'd open her closet,dig up her belonging and find valuable items. I also remember how she kept her old bags and purse carefully and whenever I take time to disorganize it, she'd pinch me to the littlest until I couldnt almost feel it. She also taught me Latin prayers, of which I still know by heart until today. Whenever my grandparents would argue, they'd speak Spanish most of the time..and I realized I hope I had listened enough so that I have learned. Both of them hailed from Spanish families so it's not really peculiar that they know it. During death anniversaries, I would accompany her as she administer the prayers, and give me few bucks sometimes.
There are so many fond memories of her kept in me, and I didn't realized she's already passed almost fifteen years ago because most of the times I recall of her were the happiest.The day she died in the province was my defense day in college, so I wasnt there on her funeral. For me it was a good thing I didnt see her in a lifeless state. All that I keep in my memories when I close my eyes is how fun I spent my childhood with her, and her shivering hands on my hair while her WW2 stories is coming back and forth to me...I miss you Lola!

--MTG Grand Prix & Independence day.

It's Independence Day and most importantly today is the MTG Grand Prix here in Manila. It is his second time to join and this time, he's more prepared.

I got up early, set up the breakfast, with spam + egg + rice and instant coffee and ate. It’s a heavy meal since by the time they start the game, there's no more chance dilly dallying. We bathed together like we used to..And by quarter past 7am, his friend was already by the station waiting for us. We are excited. As expected, there were already plenty of players inside the convention center. Bruce was with us, to keep me company later, so it was sort of inconvenient to walk around while it's hanging on my shoulder.. I'm such a people observer so it's got me occupied mostly. Since MTG is a game all over the world, there were a number of foreign players who came all the way from the US, India, Malaysia and of course the Japanese who took most championship, like the 2006 GP. Most of these foreigners are probably nonchalant of how they look, but really, some of them just act so odd. I realized too, that they have the same features that make me feel Tom or John or Paul is alike. Myk and I were trying to match their faces from the Hollywood celebrities, and laugh as soon as we get the look-alike. Another American, looks like the one from Into the Wild flick, he was lanky, tall, donned in whatever shirt, Dockers shorts and some sandals with unkempt hair. And when they pass by, they have this distinct smell....some sort of salty ocean air. I don’t know. It’s a funny observation I guess. So when the game started, I left the building and sat over at a coffee shop with Caffe Mocha and some cheesecake to match. The internet connection was really frustrating me, coz I have to disconnect/connect frequently,....so I wasn’t able to use the time as planned, which was to send my agents individual coaching, etc since I'm on a one week vacation leave. i found myself just updating this blog. He would text me in between to give me updates, and after four hours I stepped out at Starbucks. But wait, as I was passing through the door, that Irish looking MTG player was still there, sitting the way I saw him when I arrived four hours ago, with that same positions..Did he ever touched his food or there's 30 minutes of intervals before he chews the next bite??I was thinking he's kind of all so prim and proper as if he knew he was being watched. Actually, we also found him eating a clubhouse sandwich when we ate at Frenchbaker yesterday.*shrugs,

Back to the convention, Myk had a few losses already but it was better than the last GP. The decks he competed were really good and as he says nothing can ever overturn luck. Luck is luck no other intelligent influence needed really. We were able to have a picture taken with a guest artist, RK Post (Tidehollow Sculler) whose arms were all covered with funky tattoo and he is really tall. I stayed inside the function room since it was cold there. After a 2-3 standing they decided to drop the game. He didn't feel really bad...he just needs to really invest on good cards to win the game...and it's truly costly. I have supported him on these all through out,,,,and I wish I could've continued playing it too. When I play, it consumes me more than giving me fun, coz I go back and forth, and ask myself what could have been my best move to win. It's 50% challenging and 50% fun. After a quick ,meal we went home. His friends' driving agitated my stomach and induced me a great deal of headache. As soon as we got home, I found myself to the toilet bowl..vomitting.
The next thing I found...it's almost midnight..it's now.

---Comparing Apples from Apples.

The weekend came off with the hangover of introspective inclinations.While I was trying to re-evaluate my performance including all members of my team.,I tried to keep my disappointment hidden at it's best vault. I was regretting partly of not having to keep the merit increase issue to myself but I guess it's being me. I was weighing down on who to talk first...until instinct dictated the choice. To some extent, talking to him gave a little bit of release, knowing that I spoke to him on a friendly level sans considering who we were at the office. He is the big boss, and a friend, and I was able to positively confront the situation without being emotional,and clarified his first impression of me. The following day, I talked to my immediate superior during our monthly individual business review, and it turned out well. Knowing the fact that she recognized the good performance that I am delivering plus the quality of our relationship as my support person is getting healthier than before. I told her what I felt about it, of how much was that one point worth to get her buy in from me...of how valuable is my presence,,,etc. She was sympathetic and I can feel the sincerity on her face more that ever. Deep inside of me I know that I wasn't any thing close to comparison of those few people who didn't have good appraisals, and she validated that. She also discussed the quarterly managerial survey of which it was always good like always. My team appreaciates me and wishes I wouldnt change..
Well hopefully...

---Retention Risk: moderate

Over two weeks ago, I was told that I wont get merit increase. It was a tough year, and the scores were going up and down, so I kinda expected it. On that meeting too, it was mentioned that there are very few people who are expected to get an increase, since at least a handful made it eligible so, I am one of the rest who didn't.
So the day finally came for me to see if it was true to its word, and upon checking my account it was the same. I tried texting one of my friend to ask, but she's probably preoccupied to hit the reply button.

When I came to work, I tried asking each one in my team, whom I have appraised last year, and most of them did get it. It may not be valuable to some and take me with no credit for that, but it's ok. "Thank you" may not be a word to expect when all of it was my decision. Honestly, I was happy for them that I felt it was another way of me to say thank you for being what they are in the team, and for each of their contribution month over month. My good mood suddenly evaporated when I heard about most of the TM's getting increase, even to the least, while I didn't?! I felt like bawling out loud to express how disappointed and unfair the process was. This time it's not all about the monetary value they got, though I cannot deny it still matters, now, I felt so unaccomplish.embecile.,,that I have no value at all.
I went to see my old emails where it contained the accounts month over month performance, and my name was sitting on the 13th spot out forty teams. Then I got marked down on values???...I have never been absent for the past year. All through out I tried to comply with what they asked me to do..yet all seemed futile. I cannot help comparing myself amongst others who got it,,yet you'll see them roaming at the smoking area, sleeping at the snooze box, falsifying log in time.etc,.
As far as I know, I was always given one of the highest feedback during survey periods,,,but non of it matters.I am not a people pleaser. I never feigned my camaraderie, or if i have something else to say, I'd probably keep my mouth shut.

At the end of the day,I felt so unworthy for the first time when I know that I made all of the best efforts to meet the expectations they set. So what's my retention risk from my PPR..it says :moderate!oh yeah maybe not.*sobs

Everything has a price. I will fake it next time around.

--Dishing out motherly chores

Being a mother is something every one wants to perfect, including me.For quite a while, eversince I became a TM, I often handed over my household chores to our nanny or my inlaw. I know that she can maneuver domestic duties especially now that she's taking care of Xeon most of the time,and there are instances where I envy her closeness to my daughter. She sleeps with her every night and on my rest days, Xeon would still choose her to sleep beside. Though, I complain about the way she raised her to the point of being a brat, the other part of me is still thankful that she loves her more than anyone else.I felt I had no choice. If I talk to her and tell her what to do, she's gonna think I'm the ungrateful bastard...So I'd rather just leave it that way since I know I couldnt leverage the kind of attention my daughter gets when I'm not home. Though, being at work is no excuse, there's just several things that is limited for me to do. I always explain to Xeon the reason why I'm at work..and it makes me feel contented that in her innocence, she knows the real reason why.

There are other tasks I know I still can handle well besides that. Like school,fashion,demeanor and self esteem..Today, I'm handling one of those. I accompanied our daughter to be enrolled in college.
It was a silent ride enroute to school. We would chat once in a while between intervals of places familiar to me. Along the cozy covered walk of the university, I started trying to revive the past of my college days.some incidents of the past that I couldn't ever forget. There were noticeable renovations. The small creek separating the main building and St. Theresa/Ozanam building were enhanced. Odor emanating from the creek smelled like burnt fried fish, which gave me a reminiscing mood.. I also noticed a small park situated in front of the old Chemistry Laboratory, now turned into a Campus Store and some other school organization offices. We went straight ahead to the Admission office, completed some forms,a very haphazard interview with the Dean, (whom I talked out to put her on block section)..then after an hour we're done enrolling. In her face, I could see a painting of myriad expressions mostly showing profound excitement and fun. She was thankful even unspoken, that she got in the block section, and the fact that I was there with her rather than her father...this sort is a motherly thing supposedly..She was holding her registration form. looking at her subjects and gave her advises of how she should be in college.Im happy knowing that. Unlike when she was younger, when she still dont understand why I had to tell them this and that..this time she now perceives the real intention behind than being believed that I was more of a stalwart, uncaring and selfish. Sometimes, it takes time...but it's worth the wait.

--Meeting with Mylene

People think that I am snobbish and antisocial but really am not. I may not have real friends at work, and after college, I've lost contact with my college chums.Even childhood friends are now becoming out of reach. At work I also have made friends, but noticing how different it is when career is entwined, I have to be choosy. Sometimes,the conflict of interest will arise one way or another. Just the other day, I accidentally opened my YM when me and hubby were at the mall. I saw Mylene online and finally ended up meeting her next week while she's here in Manila.
Our last vis-a-vis was during her wedding in 2005.

It's the fourth of June, and rain has been all over the place. I took an hour of sleep, ran a bath, dressed up and left. A lot has happened and we need a lot of catching up to do. She hasn't changed a bit. She's gain some pounds, but still in the range. I know that since the time she's since me, I've lost my weight terribly. All of a sudden, the past came flashing right at the back of my head. It was fun...giggly and so youthful. She has payed one very important role with my relationship with Myk during the days we were so elusive with the things. She hosted us for a couple of times, at the rooftop of the condo their were living...and it was of course unforgettable.

As always, I'm the chatty one. I get to talk about so much of me, experiences and such, while she get's to listen to me...and that, she hasn't changed. We've shared some parenting styles though hers was different from mine,and it isnt bad at all. Motherhood does not involve specific style to make it better. It's a free -size , all qualifications fit--sort of thing. One thing probably we get to agree is that we dislike the ways our inlaws gets in between the relationship. They are just radical and unconsciously annoying to some level. The food served was almost left unfinished,we're not the ravenous one, unlike our two other friends....and I missed them too.

--Nothing is irreversible.

Am turning 34 in a matter of days. It gives me a little fright somehow.fear of old age,grey hair showing anytime soon and life of being senile as time grows older with you..Yet part of me is thankful coz I know that in my countenance the age doesnt show any bit.I am happy too that I am doing well with my career even if it wasnt the profession my dad wanted for me. I am happy that my family is getting stronger, kids getting more mature to understand you whenever you say "No!" or why they couldnt do all thing they always wanted. Honey and I are becoming more and more focused in nurturing our family together, regardless of an abhominable past....That word stopped me. It also gives me melancholy and happiness oxymoronically.
Now, I hate talking about what-if's for same obvious reasons that it meant so hypothetical. Since I am little confrontational,I am not afraid to ever talk about it. Myk and I had so many good times together.The way we started was merely an accident because we had common friends. WE have chased so many summer time with the two of us, sleepless nights at the roof top while watching the big dipper vanish the sky, sleeping over at a friends house,paper/tissue talks, movie and sundae together, scrabble and minesweeper,food trips, randomly spend twilight at the breakwater,and I realized that all through out those time I spent happy time with him did not involve aything sensual.I could live in a world where probably mundane things is secondary than knowing the real essence of a relationship..we never lost words to speak of.
Until the unspeakable came. we were tested by physical temptations where most of the time untrue and superficial. At one one point, I felt it almost collapsed.I had to keep it to no one but myself and me. It wasnt easy but since I know him being swept over by temptation "only", I gotta hang on I said. And I did. The realization bomb dropped in his very face when he's almost about to lose the important pieces of the puzzle the keeps one good picture. ..our family. He met someone who came from a dysfunctional family, who had nothing in life but lust and trouble and cannot live a life manless where that is where all of them belong. Well it was the past. It was the worst part of his life to ever happpen..and I know no matter how much he wanted to unmake these, it'll never be undone. What he wants to do now is be more responsible of which he has been afterall.
Nothing could ever be reversed. Sometimes, during the process of doing the wrong things, there's always that someone to tell you that what you are doing is wrong, yet, the physical overwhelming ecstasy worth less than 30 seconds is what they opted to choose rather than be right, to the extent of hurting other innocent people. It's sad that these specie exist,,but the good thing I have found after that is, we know that we belong to no one else but us....
we are alter ego,nontheless.