Bursting the bubbles

I was caught off guard.The day started really quite well.

---nothing without you

it's the quiet night that breaks me. I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place. it's the quiet night that breaks me, like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace. all my books are lying useless now. all my maps will only show me how to lose my way. oh call my name. you know my name. and in that sound, everything will change. tell me it won't always be this hard. I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are. it's the crowded room that breaks me: everybody looks so luminous, and strangely young. it's the crowded room that's never heard. no one here can say a word of my native tongue. I can't be among them anymore. I fold myself away before it burns me numb. oh call my name. you know my name. and in your love, everything will change. tell me it won't always be this hard. I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.

Tit-for-Tat

..I wish I could just snap off the time a little bit.I didn' realized how much she has actually ruined my day again!

Political Lies

Fence sitter.I think that's one of the safest side if you hate controversies.If your swimming at it, probably, you need to be one hundred percent careful of what word to use to describe someone especially. The other day, I was sitted by one of my boss while fidgeting his smoke.I vested myself in an oversized jacket so that Mr Marlboro wont overpower my Gucci. This time, I guess I didn't really have any choice to decline the spontaneous invitation. I was really busy completing my audits until he came to my station. I practically knew already that there is a reason why he wants me to walk with him in the smoking lounge for he knew all along I don't smoke, at least I assume.
My mind was already running through his face and foreseeing how this little vis a vis would end up. Like I expected, it wasn't because he wanted my company. He wants my presence as he condescendingly puffs the cigar, while I vehemently inhale it secretly because he needs some information from me. I honestly felt he could've just called me up in his office, in both our luxury of comfortable seats sans cigarette smoke.What he wanted was no extraordinary albeit this was the first time I am being solicited about someone's management style or acting prowess as a leader to us. It felt a little bit awkward because we had other frequents juxtaposed. Eavesdropping is a knack for others to easily spread gossips. I tried to be really tact in declaiming what I have personally experienced. He tried to gauge my style by comparing to other three leaders even on a higher position that what I currently assume and said to myself "Why compare!"
I gave him the most safest answers and details sent via email. Why didn't he just asked it on an email to begin with?

--thin like hair strands

Time just runs swiflty.My youngest daughter is turning three in four months.She's so smart and adorable yet equally naughty to the point that I lose my temper.A total opposite nature of her elder sister. Sometimes, I feel extremely guilty whenever I get to reprimand her when she gets so unruly. The little time I get to spend with her at home are filled with my patience growing thinner.

-the unproven theory of randomness

I was tongue tied. I just spoke with my best buddy for an hour almost five minutes ago.My anger and disappoinment was rising like a tide, my teeth clenching adamantly.She narrated the story in feigned bravado.In my vivid recollection, I can feel how difficult it is to go through it alone. When crying in the middle of the night when no one can hear your sobs.Neither anyone understands.It's sadly coming through me again.The excruciating dilemna of surviving by your own when no one else sincerely cares.
It was shocking for me to hear what he's done with her. They have been civil and educated people when tehy fight. No calling of names. No swearing. but earlier turned the table upside down.I was too angry for her. Men are alike.

--a slice of cake. my natal-lity

In the midst of my hectic week of training including the real time implementation, I suddenly got a day off for my birthday.I dont want to expect anything special anymore., but he tried to make me happy by waking me up at exactly 12midnight with a slice of cake and a lighted candle.

That was sweet!

~The Unspeakable

Can something so right be so wrong?Or can something so wrong be so right? I dont know. This crosses the boundaries of realities and responsibilities that keeps us being as a whole. Sometimes I try to lean back instead of moving forward, and I know it doesn't help.But I feel that if I force my self into being optimistic, as I suppose others say as a cliche',I'll be hurting my self more and more.My "wallowing" for some odd reason help me get over the pain a little better, at least.
Saddest part of this is that, the acquired feeling when hurt gets too much in the way, that my heart stop entertaining good push backs.

work your talk

For once I've always enjoyed my own company.I know that back in the college days, I used to say that I like to be with people, but things has changed.As we grow, our childish idiosyncrasies goes off as we explore a wider variety of things for us to adventure. We mature thus independence comes along the way. I am not a fan of frequent Fridays or Saturdays night out. booze, smokes and parties, though I am just 10% a party pooper. I do it when the need arises.Party is not a requirement for my leisure. Again, I still dont subscribe to these extra curriculars. When I started to work and meet people from all walks of life, people in position, in uniform etc , I kinda slide every now and then. The "need" already required me to do it mostly to brush elbows with those names they just say now in initials as if depicting a Morse code to me.Let's just say I party purposely. Unluckily, this time I cannot just choose the one I'm celebrating it with. People in the organization are not one hell of a perfect picture to look at and no matter how I hate to look at it, the choice is limited to only one.They come to you selling themselves as if you were so interested in their buy ins. The judgement they throw are superficially fabricated and they lack to invest that extra guts to save for knowing the intangible facts.
It's an exhausting scenario occuring in a daily basis. Riddance will only succumb when you just ride to the bandwagon of disgust. The environment is fast paced that once you stop for a second, you're way behind twofolds. You escape with their insipid outlooks aimed to have their personal agendas get done.
I loaf with then every once in a while....but I'm just passively keeping mine off bay.
This things exist, regardless.

Same old Same old

The two weeks workshop is over but the training is still on going.Somehow the battle between sleeping and mental stress is gonna lapse, at least for a short while.The implementation that is required has more pressure than the actual classroom training. This one needs more focus and direction since I'll be dealing with results comig from people I manage. Sometimes, I feel the disappointment and frustration that even after close monitoring, constant coaching sessions..this seemed a futile initiative to hone people at its best. The more that I tried to be diplomatic yet lenient in the approach, I dont get the result that I need. All I get is a group of people staying in the company because they like their Team.. which is definitely a consolation.Still at the end of the day, my boss' questions is how much you have delivered in the table and not how many people have stayed.

During the training, I realized that hiring people is as equally important as attrition. The cost of training has lesser value than that of agents leaving the company. But when they are already in the operations, some rules are kinda repetitive to some extent, as a result of desperation in aiming to achieve the goal.We kinda neglect the fact that these people just needs good foundation and perspective as soon as they start. However, when all else have already been provided, and still fails, what the real issue now.? I know for a fact that the selection process is not that calibrated. We based our decision to hire someone on experience, communication excellence and giving the smartest answer during the interview process, which can sometimes be influenced because of how they sometimes look,,or how that person is connected with whom. The training has made me realize quite a handfull of things which I hope I've already known way back then, when I was starting.Now, it's even a harder task to actually try to straightened some bended backbones. at least this time I know HOW to start to make things right.

My Childhood Friend

Today is our second day woth ONTRAC training. I am still coping up with the schedule and my body clock to be asleep by 4am and be up by 3 pm.The topics are still light and computations are not yet being discussed,,,which is the toughest part. At past 2pm, I quickly got up from my on and off sleeping patterns to meet my childhood friend at Starbucks. I came a little late coz the heat is just so much to get by. After 4 years we've seen each other again. The usual reminiscing of our fond memories of rustic getaways and the corniest fancies over some cute guys when we were young came in. Unfortunately, that's is an area of her despair, I mean despair considering that she's never had any love since we were growing. Probably because she's given me so much support dealing with my fancy crushes. Now, someone is trying to win her attention and I told her not to be too grouchy but still reserve. I can see an eye candy in her life. She's also handed me over a pair of sunglasses and some cute smelling lotion..which I really appreciate of her. Nothing much has changed in her except that she's much prettier than she used to be. I remember the old days. After a 4 hour of get together I left her with another friend she's meeting.

At the training I almost dozed off...I cant fight. No amount of coffee ever woke me up..too bad!

ONTRAC Training -Day 1

Luckily I was one amongst the chosen ones to undergo another leadership training. At first I was told that it was given to those who arwe not meeting the metrics

Day 3: watch your weight.

It's my third day at the gym. One my reps graced to accompany me

coaching the uncoachable

It's a lazy day. Spending time auditing calls is routinary and it induces sleep. The other boring part is that, when you are on the coaching sessions

Day 3: The weight is over

Yeah..It's been three days since I am officially in a gym class. My muscles have started to get the hang of the stretching and treadmills sit ups and biking. The pain went off as day progresses. Amongst the exercise, I really love the treadmill..but I hate coz I get dizzy and my world rotating as soon as I finish the stretch

Politics really sucks

Two weeks ago, I lost my phone at work. I felt that an investigation wasnt necessary since I'm sure the blame will come back at me. The 5s policy taught during our Sigma training will fall into place regardless. I treated it completely a dead issue up until 7 days upon losing the phone, someone wants to return to me and the sound of her anonimity became suspicious to me. On her own given conditions, I agreed to meet up with her and in the end I called out for a change of venue.Then the next thing, as if nothing happened. No one called. And no one meet up to return my damn company phone

Don't Blame me!

Last Sunday, I bumped into one of my friends blogs. She happened to be one of those I met and had few spats before time passed us by and oblivion just came..someone I dont want to be with anymore if given any chance. I felt it is too late to react on what she wrote since it was stamped August 08, but I feel that I was blamed for something that she is all accounted for and no one else. Explanations are the last thing I ever want to hear from her, and the thing is,I never expected to be the one's on top of her list.
...

-a mother's day thought

I am guilty of the word mother.For such a long time, I felt like I wasn't acting like a mother to my kids...
....I missed the nights they sleep while I was at work when supposedly a mother is beside them
....I missed the milestones they have while I was sleeping during the day
....I missed the times my second daughter learns to say words and little things..
....I feel sad that they have accustomed to be with their grandma. instead of me.
....I envy the closeness my kids gives to their grandma which I was supposed to get

what I have I done?Do I need to give up the graveyard shift and venture another career?
or I just don't know how to show them at all?

--questions of happiness

I stopped for a while.I didnt know the things that would easily make me happy but let me try.

I am happy when.....
1) my kids are all spick and span.
2) everyone that I love are physically ok.
3) we have food to eat.
4) my hubby does something that surprises me.
5) my team meet all the accounts' goal.
6) I get to see old friends.
7) I get to buy cheap but with quality clothings

I will be happier if
1) i have more money so I can provide easily
2) i get a salary increase.
3) xy gains a little weight.
4) bring my kids to DisneyLand
5) my hubby get to fix his teeth*
6) i lose more weight.


Things that I hate about:
1) I have difficulty of forgetting painful past.
2) unfavorable politics =)
3) heat.
4) perfume causing migraine.
5) people messing up with my things..
6) liar.

Eat right, look bright..

Maybe part of growing older and older is being more concious about almost anything especially the physical outlook.I started noticing this excess loose skin, watch the calories I eat, manage my weight like I usually do and gain composure at par.I am not trying to compete amongst the carefree ones and sometimes, my hubby would always tell me that I'm over-conscious of myself, and I realized that. I have no discrimination at all with obese people, sometimes I just hate their guts when they dress up skimpy clothes and all you see are screaming flesh through the ample fabric they wore. They wear odd fashion for me and I ended up asking them silently in protest of how they have overlooked to watch the amount of calories they get from two pieces of fried chicken, two extra rice soaked in a soupy gravy and a large soda to get that burp.These are comfort foods but moderation has to be there all the time.

So, I'm taking up gym sessions offered gratuitously by the company I worked for. This idea of enrolling into a gym class is one thing I have been thinking about. And now that I can get it at the comfort of my work, it's an answered prayer.

This morning, my elder sister Ate Cess and I just the first phase of the gym class. We went through a two hour physical fitness test where our muscles was stretched a little bit than usual.

Vital Statistics : 34.5/29/35.6 weight: 118 lbs height : 5'2'.

Obviously, there's really a lot of things going on with the waist area. Hopefully, I get the result in 3 months. :)

"kitchen stink drama"

I have seen enough. Probably, no one will ever completely understand how periodically my view swings. I doubt it.Unfortunately when you are in the verge of almost reaching out to be understood, all doors and windows just seem to shut before me, so I keep mummed and feel hopeless.

--Fed up and grumpy

I'd typically find myself so edgy these past few days. There's a feeling of so-muchness that as if what I was doing is less meaningful to others, even to those I love. Me and my hub would frantically bumped into a trifle like finances and stuffs in the house, which is the reality, I know. No matter how he says it's just plain money, but that's all why we extend what we are living for, besides the emotional and psychological hackneyed stability. I've lived with less of anything, yet, when kids come in the way, your point view into a lot of things changes completely.Everyday I ask questions but I can never randomly find an exact answer. The call for making up the ideals you have before kinda collapse for a moment then it comes back on and off, off and on. The "what I want" is shoved into one corner until I come sitting alone staring at it, that mere attempt to materialize would instill guilt feelings over those who needed some urgency. When I make more, the demand just skyrocket before your very eyes. The lesser you make money though, more empty stomachs and lapses tantamount to appearing more pathetic I guess.No matter what it is,. still simple things puts that contentment in me. I want to put up a family where they can {supposedly} have that kind of ideal life that I wanted...not perfect.Good School. Enough food to eat. And a nice house to live.I want them to travel to places as young as possible and to be able to trade experiences at a certain extent.It cant be that easy. but I have to try to make it happen.

An Adieu of A Fairy Knight

And there I stood alone limply
while each ticking of the clock
gnaws the very last sense
of me.
The cold and damp air that touches
the supple skin and inside.
A vivid past glides transversely in
each corner, every inch
An embellished bond That once occupied
this,Slips away as I gingerly grasp
to come to pass and inside.
A sad story.
Of pain.of Deceit.
Hope is fleeting like love
As I opened my eyes.
I am alone in a world
where I left it was.
The once me awaiting,
encompassing the upheaveals.
As I thrive, amidst the darkness
the torch slowly died.
turning into embers and ashes.
The story just ended.
The journey had stopped.
In the nothingness of me,I am departed.
From a distance, you watch in contentment
While I weep.
Behind the bush I sat
and hear the whispers of the knight.
The song had vanished
This room is left without
but the nothingness of me .