---pill ala carte

We were eating at a fast food chain nearby our residence. It was quarter past 4 am, so I wasnt expecting much diners at that time. What I anticipated were I supposed harlots dressed up in skimpy skirts almost with lurking arse and tight sparkly tops showing their enhanced bosoms. They come in pairs or most of the time with their "bosses". We frequent this place most of the time at wee hours, and considering the location, this avenue is the cradle of flesh for sale,so the scene is not new. It’s December, so extra money is much needed. While we were enjoying the breakfast, what caught my attention was an old man around 60 something, sitting on a chair, fast asleep, his hands hanging low besides him. His mouth was gaped with saliva ready to fall anytime. He would move from time to time and take a little liberty to heave his moans. On his table was a noodle-soup cup and a glass of water half full. The eye catcher was the pill laid down on the cup, it was yellow and blue. I realized that he must have forgotten to down it, due to exaggerated intoxication and dozed off. His slippers were too small to occupy his swollen toes. Across his chair was a mercury drug plastic bag with gauzes, tissues and medical goodies as if it sat there like a passive companion . A number of teenagers sat beside his table parallel to us laughing and joking noisily but still he was asleep. We continued to eat our food, drank the coffee which I regretted ordering. My gaze shifted somewhere and I didnt notice how he was awakened so, I disguised my observation. He got the water gargled it and throw it on the cup which made me almost vomit.I imagined myself being served on the same cup where he spewed just right now. Thanks to the bitter taste of coffee for healing my nausea. He drank the pill though and left walking as if he has chains shackled in between his feet.

I felt dreary. My fear of getting old and enduring pain like that showed up again.I know that in time, all the sediments of my negligence to take care of my physical body will arise by the time I am senile and unable to take care of my self. My husband and I, share the same sentiments over that issue. I dont like the idea of strolling in the mall, on a wheelchair to guide me as I watch people walk cozily around me. I dont wanna be the man I just saw, acting unbecomingly to a place he doesnt own, and loitering at the wee hours of the night hammered. He could have been sleeping on his cot at home and drink coffee when the morning comes.My point is, as we grow old, we must be more responsible to ourselves and our kids are not suppose to take this dilemnas.Albeit, I dont mean to be parrying any obligations at any given point in time to my parents. Each of us are responsible in minding what we would become later. Probably,I’d find a nursing home, where I can pay someone fix things for me not because they are forced to, but because it’s their job.

Being old is like eating with a pill as an extra dessert. When your whole body has deteriorated to function like the normal ones, they extend your strength to endure more, unluckily. We vamoosed the place like there was a huge realization left hanging over me. The crowd we left were younger ones and with body really strong and beautiful, yet I wondered if they ever noticed the man and imagine themselves years from now, wearing the same shoes. Life as we travel is cumbersome to others, fun for some, for someone like me..it’s a yet to be known… One chocolate mousse with pill on the side please?…

---And so this is Christmas…

Twelve midnight came like usual. My daughter entered into our room, a few minutes before the eve, while I was preparing for work. I thought that she was going to ask me if I shall be donned in red or green as she said was Christmas colors, instead the idea of Santa brush off her mind. She said to me convincingly that I am the real one who puts candies and chocolates on their socks when the clocks strikes at twelve. I smiled casually to her and assured her that there is a Santa riding a sleigh and quickly drops off these goodies. I wanted to ask her how she came up with that inkling, but elaborating it more might lead me to spilling the bean untimely. In time she will find it out her way too. A hug and a kiss made her feel contented. I put on her dress and she left. Downstairs the whole family was busy fixing the food. After the greetings and gifts, we ate together.

There was a little banquet attended by my husband’s kins and close friends and we were not there. The reluctance between us just poured in as if water surfacing amidst the stormy sea. It might appear to them that we are party poopers trying to catch their attention, but we are not. Sometimes things just cannot be ignored for the sake of one day event. We walked out of the compound with the Christmas lights glowed like stardust sprinkled around us.Before I become tear jerky, I hailed a cab for work.

As I walk the aisle, my reps greeted me warmly, and returned a warmer greetings and a warmer smile. Sadly that was all that I could give. A famous restaurant served the Noche Buena and I cannot say anything tasty about the food served. We are not trying to be unthankful with what the company has provided. The food was unsavory. We were served with spaghetti tossed with i-dunno-know tomato, fried chicken with honey mustard sauce which made it taste better, toasted bread hard as a frozen delight, and anyway my reps said that the best part was the brownies….tastes like crinkles.Anyway, we had our little exchange gifts. It was a wrong idea that we have to be specific on what we wanted to receive. I felt that it defeats the thought of surprise knowing that we already know what we were going to receive…charge to experience.

Later in the afternoon, I spent time with my parents and sister and daughters..and at home. The entire day was ok even if I only had two hours of sleep to stand work and Christmas. It went like people had to only let it pass for kids…and for the adults to give way for alcohol to sink in their bulging stomach.Moreover, I was delighted to see that my daughters loved the toys we bought for them. I guess, our inclination to look forward about these type of events becomes less of what is wrapped in the box but more on the real spirit of it. Unfortunately, I’m only referring to a few who are not as meaningful as others are..in the end….they are gonna say that’s all folks….

---Behind the PRESTIGE CARD

My recent skepticism on celebrating Christmas froze for a while. There were a few domestic trifles arising ironically amidst the season of giving as they so-called branded it.It can be forgotten but this aunt has an attitude of spoiling the momentum somewhere.And so my entangled mind, push this thought away to simply allow a little cheer peek through my bitter pill. My sister wanted to spend time with my parents whom we only get to see during Holidays or when they visit us here in Manila once in a while so she wanted all of us to eat in a restaurant. I was excited too. I get to laugh the way we used to do while talking about our childhood idiosyncrasies that we have outgrown as time passed by. We surprised her by giving her a nosegay of sweet smelling wild (?) i forgot….Her eyes glowed in joy and my paranoia of being old doubled. I totally forgot my problems at this point. We ate happily.

Since the kids havent completed buying their stuffs yet, we have to stand the last minute shoppers jostling and smiling at the same time. At the back of my mind, it will take us hours waiting on the line at the fitting room, at the cashier, or even waiting for your right size.I said fine! But on the contrary we did it smoothly because of this silver Prestige Card that has been sleeping on my wallet. Being a cardholder you are entitled to an exclusive fitting room, counters,gift wrapping section, while non cardholders had to wait.This loyalty program from SM made me contented at least.How to have it….just shop til you drop. =)

---nice piece

Gathering dust sheaths books and momentos
deep in the recesses of this old house
where a grandfather clock no longer chimes

Paper once bright and sturdy, now
clings to existence by mere fibers
stained by the passing of time

Lively once, were the colors of statuettes
collected in fervor from trips and loved ones
but now they fade into colorless backdrops

The scent of age, stale, yet familiar
comforts and feeds the mind with
nostalgia - memories of a life long past

One can almost hear the laughter, the tears,
the busy days passing in commotion
as time stands still in this moment

This moment, etched in cherished memories…


~E.Easter

---A closet opened

Weekend is the much awaited days in the life of those who are much preoccupied by work,at least it must be, for me.The only 48 hours in my life where the deliverables and reports is not an agenda. So let me restate that, "Oh yeah..that was before!". There were so many things that has changed when I started to shoulder bigger responsibility in my hands. Unfortunately, it became cumbersome to some extent. I thought these 48 hours is the best time for these two pairs of eyes who depends on me, but it isnt. I will dauntlessly admit, I was never a perfect mom. Although it’s yet to say, I can look back to chew over the things I have done, and yes I’m not. No one is as good as anyone else in that kind of job but that does not justify the capacity of not knowing how to love.

I thought this was weekend served a purpose. After keeping the failures in my closet for the longest time, I have realized the uselessness of hiding it for more. The only one benefiting from it is someone not even worthy of it. I didnt realized that it was too easy for me to believe a con artist.I am shaken twice, and repeating. Inasmuch as I wanted to spare these important people of the pain, of the facts, I felt that they have all the rights in the world to know me. Siblings I think have their own instincts, I know that she knows about it just merely looking on my countenance. Her eyes were shaking in disappointment and sadness.Her throat is choked with a controlled feelings wanting to burst out, but like I always expected from her, she’s the most composed amongst us. Then she just cried. For the first time I felt so, so sorry for her that I regretted it letting her know the baggages I was carrying and keeping from them for such a long time. However, the need to be with me was more of her purpose that listening from this two "perfect" (as I qouted) people who were like lions complaining continuously to save their own asses.She left and asks if I was ok, somehow.even if that wasnt what she meant. and I said I am but I faked it.

I am so tired.So shaken. We came to a decision where both shall walk on haywires of disbelief.

---Photo finish

blink.blink.
I didnt realize I was staring on the cursor too long that I felt I was alone. The big monitors’ glare used to irritate my eyes before..especially when the lights are out,,,it’s the only source of radiance across this darkened room.Yet this time there was a feeling of remedy amidst my weary day.I was counting the blinking until I lost my count…before I could even type a word.I said to myself, "what was i supposed to write?"

Lately I have been rummaging through old files on our pc.I thought I need to back it up to make way for newer stuffs to be stored. There were so many things that reflects a past you wouldnt wanna go back to..or if you can, you just wish you had the power to alter things and not changing the good things that happened in the process. I scrolled up and down to old pictures, events and simple letters that could have made a difference if not taken for granted.
I said…im not gonna cry..but I just did. My face started to feel a rush of warm water running accross my cheeks and a silent sobs in between.Why did I cry? What did I cry for? I dont know why,ironically. I started to become pensive retrospecting the what if’s, what not’s. Wasnt I good enough? or the attempt of trying is frivolous in the eyes of the unbecoming jurors.There is a poignant heave going through each inch of breathe that I take. In and out it passes furtively as if it was a crime. The little trifles turn out to be the key indicator of one’s contentment not being met. I’m not perfect and I’m not good either yet I was being optimistic that the choices I’ve made was the best ever there is. The consequences was fearlessly coped with even if there will be times I’d pretend the state of being totally unperturbed and strong, in a sense. No negotiations. In the act of being fed up for something, vengeance is done in the poorest manner, which is oxymoronic being said that. I was aiming for a more mature attempt on filling up the gaps of our selfish agendas. Needless to state that it didnt appear the way I was expecting it. The end-result of the latter came to be completely irreparable, that time would only tell. Arrogance is surfacing like it was the only feeling there is than humility when you have done something wrong..and the reactions is just the closest way to think of when hurt.

Unlike this pictures, I cannot scroll up and down, go back in forth just when I wanted it. Unlike this pictures, they are taken and made, processed underneath proper illumination. SIlked.or Matted.Photoshop is just not a tool you can easily manifest to make the picture look better. Unlike life they cant be pictures.

---For the heck of it

Before I left SQ, a few friends that i’ve got decided to go out one night, coinciding one of our friends birthday.There were five of us to keep a company. We got together earlier but to our surprise even a close knit can be assumed disorganized. We hopped for bars to shelter us,,and ended up partying half past twelve only to realize we’re gonna be just around the closing time. Part of the plan was going to Antipolo, but it didnt happen which was a OK. So we had a karaoke night. Some songs made me cry, some of them we yelled on top of our lungs. I am not a party girl anyway so the bitter taste of alcohol, again, doesnt give me an idea of pleasure somewhere in between. I said, I’d give it a try. I poured beer and ice and Cali on it..obviously I was still hesitant on trying but a little of it wont damage my sanity for the moment.. It didnt give me the same high that these drunkards gets.honestly just a little pounding on my head. My tolerance on alcohol is so flimsy.I dont do anything just for the heck of it ..or just so to appear odd. Anyway, that night I wanna feel guilty,thinking of my little baby in bed where I was supposed to be in place juxtaposed by my two wonderful kids.,,yet I felt I needed this, "afterall".I never felt so home anymore. I’m tied up clinging myself to the edge. Those eyes that judged me and misinterpreted my intentions overhauled my whole self. I have invested my time to someone whose mere understanding of life revolves around no one else but their own. And the idea of compassion is misconstrued taking to a level where even the only person who withstood yet til the end of nothingness to the minutest part left is hurt and is still hurting.

When I am at my own home, that defines me. I feel some freedom in the sense of not always minding what I do would be taken against me and dispensed in a manner where my explanations are futile. The communion between you and the people who will never take you for granted, nevertheless is just overflowing that sometimes you feel at ease that the acceptance will be there all the time.We can call it consanguinity probably.Still clueless. Still, I am fish swimming out of water.

--reality bites

Finally, I was transferred to a different location, something I’d always turned down to whenever asked.Besides the fact that I’d have longer travel time,it also involve smore money spent, new acquaintances,new bosses, new place….new in almost everything. While trying to savor the last days from my old account I suddenly had the feeling of excitement that at one point I felt I was so fed-up with what I’m doing here.This is where you felt like the people around you get’s too close enough to be annoying,and acts as if they were some entity to fear. Yet, behind all the excitements is the sadness that I would be losing contact of these few people who turned each of those fed-up moments to something else. But I have to face it,no doubt
about that.

SO I’m here. I became a six-year old kiddo awed and excited nevertheless. My eyes were at bay to anything thatI see. I dont know the entrance and the exits..the place is huge…so I make sure i memorize the paths. I’ve learned one thing that i think is just emminent everyday..it’s the reality that’s slapping me on a daily basis making me immune to it. ..and i will be used to it.Anyway,the security in the building is just so tight that I thought the color of my ID would set a difference in the eyes of this men and women in uniform walking up in rows with their freaking walkie-talkies. And sometimes annoying them gives me little high..ironically…that’s my next agenda.

--Pancake

It has been a helster-skelter process this past few weeks where they can be categorized as something terminal and cannot be cured. I know how it had been for me going through this in my own confinement and looking back is just coming as I heave a sigh. Everyday I sham every courage to face what’s real and what cannot be real. This were the moments where I enjoy a blank stare to nothingness and a smile casted by a stranger.

If you know where I’m coming from, you will understand me. For some reasons that this may not be an isolated case for some, it is like I’m a fish out of water, galloping in a dry humid air of survival. Yet, I say maybe enough of this..it has caused too much disturbance to my self and my very self. Then I thought there were things I have neglected before that brought so much joy in me. Friends who may be unaware of your constant dilemnas yet they acknowledge your presence and savor each moment you talk while sitting in an al fresco resto, devouring on a pancake each morning served with hot chocolate….brings heaven to me while the cold air fills the night…{romantic}..*sighs


……..pancakes will complete my day from now on……….

---Pouring tundra

With my fiery eyes
warm tears flow like lava
and my pounding heart throbs
in the silence of the night.
I sat alone here.
As i sip the freezing coffee
I feel more coldness coming
from within.
I cry in my solitudes
as the murmurs echoes
repeatedly.
Everytime that I close my eyes
I feel the sadness
What if you were here I asked,
Will I feel the same melancholy
or would I feign the strength?
Will you listen when I sob
and embrace the same iciness?
I just wished
you were here.

---aCcros tHe Rott3n paVemeNt

Then I walked.
With tired legs and worn out sandals
My shivering bones continue to stand
With skin chapped and churned muscles
Still I walked.
You came.
Like a dynamo setting me ablaze
Across the alley I can see fires
Slowly eating up each entity
turning into embers and charcoals.
Yet I was there standing
While you watch me
In iciness endure the apathy
You heave upon my steadfastness.
I walked again.
And you reach for me
Your attempt dissolve my freezing body
I was numbed to your touch.
No heat ever fills me.
You walked over me.
No one can rescue me.
No one.
I walked.
And Walked.

---Basking when it's hot!

Summer is here. Each time go home I feel like I’m being toasted alive. For me, I dont think that the beach will serve as a refuge to my burning sensations. I feel like being confined to cool places or the mall will keep me away from the peak hours of the sun. I was thinking that if I go to the beach and plunge into the salty water, feel it all over your half naked body… yet later on scream due to sunburn… Maybe it’s not my kind of trip. Or I just had a bad experience when I was young…I think I was 8 or 9 years old when I suffered from getting water into my ears. We were splashing water onto each other when it went directly to my ears. And as I was walking, I started to feel the water in my eardrums pounding each stride I made. I didnt complain to my parents or else I will be prohibited from ever swimming again. For the first time, I kept my fears from them. Until after five days the water just voluntarily went out on its own…so I never went to swim as much as I always do.

Yeah, we all have different trips.

--Sometimes a love goes wrong

I hate to say I’m leaving you
I wish to call that I could stay
things ain’t right between us
not the way that used to be the love
we thought would last forever and a day cannot be
cause sometimes a love goes wrong
sometimes a heart can fear love
sometimes a love goes wrong
just when you think you got it
Sometimes a love goes wrong
sometimes a heart can fear love
sometimes a love goes wrong
just when you think you got it
look and love is gone
Why did the feelings have to change
why couldn’t it remain the same
where’s the joy and laughter
and all the things that we once knew
I know that it´s so hard believin
that we’re through but it’s true
cause sometimes a love goes wrong
sometimes a heart can fear love
sometimes a love goes wrong
just when you think you got it
look and love is gone
oh when a love is through there
ain’t nothin’ that you can do
when love comes along look around
it’s gone when love.. is gone you feel you can’t go on
and the love you have found look around and it’s gone…

oh… what am I gonna do?
-carrie lucas

---From the postive sign

It’s another year again for me to decipher what lies ahead of me. And I am honestly ambiguous pertinent to the direction of my career while I am a breasfeeding mother,with a 6-year old independent young kid and an extended family for that matter. I feel the pressure hanging all over me and the more that I feel it, the more that I am becoming clueless. After childbirth, my mind became totally oblivious of the fact that I cannot do it by myself although with but with focus and determination I know that I can. Besides that, there were plenty of set backs brought about by the pasts’ unimaginable circumstances. YEAH bills, domestic trifles and bills.

One time I wrote them all down starting from the minutest to the gravest in weights and I realized that the most trivial is the hardest thing to fix. So I said this is what lies ahead. This year I felt accomplished though, I had another baby , so wonderful that I see no pain in her eyes. So pure and innocent.,,that alone eliminates all uncertainties that I harbor. She makes me feel so sure of life that even if I have been bitten and crumpled so many times by some ruthless entity, we stood and fought realizing that this rascals dont give any meaning to my life but her. A small piece of positive sign to a bigger breathing wonderful child.